No New Movies

I stared at the weekend from Friday morning and struggled to keep the panic off my face. If the weekend senses fear, it is driven to attack.
But seriously, what the hell was I supposed to do?
I've been over (and over) the fact that I have no life at all on the weekends. Without my family, I spend a lot of time in my crappy hotel room counting the smoke detector.
"One."
Start over.
"One."
Holy crap.
This past weekend, with nothing to see at the theatre and no reason to leave my hotel room at all, I decided to be productive online in World of Warcraft.
I've developed a system. Nothing ground-breaking or against the Terms of Service or anything, but since I've hit the level cap and have all the gear I can use from the content my guild is currently pwning, the only standard for progress is in-game gold.
Here, in short, is the system:
Webinara is a leatherworker who spends time gathering rare leather patterns. She also picks up the occasional bauble to sell on the in-game auction house.
I decided a while back that instead of having her spend time jogging between the auction house and the mail box, I'd create a character to do that for her. Webinara does the questing and the crafting, and my bank mule handles the business side.
The neat thing is that nothing in the game associates these two characters as being from the same account, so as my bank mule posts auctions and gathers cash, she also announces rare leather goods in trade chat in the major cities.
"Belt of Natural Power, Shadow Resistance Armor Kit, Nethercobra Leg Armor, your materials and tip please."
Responses are generally, "How can you make that stuff? You are a level one noob. lol."
And then my reply is,"I can't, but for five gold I can tell you who can."
Once the deal is done, Webinara logs in, makes the stuff, collects another tip and goes back to questing.
By using two characters, I can also cause some . . . market price volatility. First, Webinara builds up a stockpile of items which sell normally for 350 gold. My bank character posts a few at 1000 gold, then Webinara buys them. Item price databases are updated to reflect the "market change" at a cost to Webinara of a couple of gold in listing fees.
Then the bank mule posts the items again for 700 gold and they sell within a few hours to someone who sees a 30% discount from the "normal" price.
It sounds like kind of a pain, and there are probably more elegant ways to earn money, but the results are starting to speak for themselves.
Webinara has over four thousand gold right now, with enough buffer to cover "operational expenses" like arrows and equipment repairs.
My auction house mule broke the ten thousand gold mark on Saturday night.
Equating this to real-world, tangible things would be hard were it not for the Chinese in-game gold market. That rate puts the total asset value at over $500 real American dollars.
Last night my auction house mule bought every scrap of silk cloth available on the server and posted it all back up at a 50% mark up.
I've been analyzing the pre-production patch notes to start hoarding items which are cheap now but will be in demand in the future when new uses turn up.

I say this with grim certainty: My family has to get here soon.

In Which I Provide Support

Experiment Parameters:

Logged in 1pm EST to Google Chat, Yahoo IM, and the Live Help chat forums at two seemingly popular PC web portals after posting "I'd like to help" messages in the general forum of each.

I wasn't connected long enough to get any actual spam, but I may have to bleach all associated accounts after this. Here is the chat log, cleaned up for "prettiness" with the user name cleverly concealed--

User: Hey

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Have you rebooted?

User: What?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Rebooted. Like power off the machine.

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Really?

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: When?

User: I just had a question about something and I thought I could get it answered

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Me too. When did you last reboot?

User: I've got these pop-up messages all the time and I can't make them stop

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: What do they say?

User: Random stuff

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Do you have an anti-virus and anti-spyware?

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Do you update the definition files regularly?

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: When was the last time?

User: I don't know

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: When I said "regularly" I meant "according to a schedule". Like you would know when it happens.

User: It happens at night

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Every night?

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: So you just leave your computer on all night

User: Yes its on all the time

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: All the time?

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: You didn't reboot at all, did you?

User: Fine. brb

User has gone offline

User: Okay. I'm still getting the pop up things

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: I need to narrow down some stuff to come up with a root cause. Would you mind doing a few troubleshooting steps for me?

User: Sure

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Click on 'Start', then 'Run' and type "cmd" with no quotes

User: Got it

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Do you see a prompt where you can type stuff?

User: Yes

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: There is your problem! You are running Windows. Of course you will have pop ups and spyware and junk.

User: Thats not helpful at all

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Well, I tried.

After that, there was some uncreative name-calling. If I'd had time to think I'd have done better.
I think this illustrates pretty well why I have never managed to secure a help desk position and also why, over the course of my career, I have been moved into positions of increasing isolation from the users.
It is just best for all parties involved.

A Few Things For Friday

There is an actual post coming later today, but I wanted to go over a few things this morning.
First, you absolutely must go to the website for the New Zealand Book Council. Immediately.
Second, in the meeting yesterday morning where we all go over the list of tasks and call out "percentages complete" while sitting in a circle, it was decided that we needed to track server deployment as part of the process.
While I understand the desire to have an accurate count of servers ready for use, no one in the meeting actually deploys servers. No one in the meeting has any control over that, either, so no one can call out a percentage with any kind of authority.
In fact, last Friday I went to the data center for the first time. I didn't have anything to actually do there, but the "Proactive Team" was given a tour by the same guy who gives tours to (I would guess) the 5th grade science classes.
We saw servers. We saw a giant mainframe. We saw about a zillion batteries being used for back up power. We saw something which disturbs me to the core of my being. And then we left, never to return. It was a big nerdy field trip.
Hmm . . . Where do I go from here? Do I talk about the thing that disturbs me or do I switch back to server deployment being added to the morning meeting form?
*flip coin*
What was tails?
Screw it.
Okay, so the form, right? The Keeper of the Plan (as I have come to call him) pasted the worksheet the Server Deployment Team uses to track server builds into our old sheet and mailed the compiled document to everyone.
The first thing I noticed is that the Server Deployment Team loves color. Their completion schedules are a rainbow of productivity.
What I learned about that is that I hate color on project plans. Especially big streaks of it on top of my own tasks which makes them appear highlighted, crossed out, or puce.
I opened it and said (in, apparently, my "outside voice") "Holy crap! The colors are freaking me out!"
So now I have a "random" urine test this afternoon. A "random" test which is nowhere on our project plan, by the way.
Anyway, each of these "completion zone" colors is labeled by letter. Phonetic designation, in a way.
There is a standard for that which is different here, too. And by "different" I mean "wrong".
A = Alpha -- We agree there.
B = Beta -- Okay. Looks good.
F = Frank -- Hmmm . . . Western Union Standard, I guess, but NATO (and me) calls it "Foxtrot"
H = Howie? -- No freaking way. "Hotel" or (maybe) "Henry" is correct.
K = Kaiser? -- What the hell? "Kilo", people. "Kilo". Or "King" if Western Union is less litigious than NATO.
L = Lemo? -- That's not even a freaking word! It should be "Lima" or "Lincoln".
M = Mint? -- No. "Mike" or "Mary", depending on which team you play for.
N = Nurd? -- This is an official project plan! "Nerd", while at least spelled correctly, is still freaking wrong. Say it with me: "November" or "New York" or "New York in November".
O = Oprah? -- I quit. I've never seen such a phoned-in phonetic alphabet ever. For the record, "Oscar" or "Ocean", for the win.
P = Plato? -- Points for looking like they are trying here. Points taken off for being wrong. "Papa" or "Peter" would make me less stabby.
R = Ralph? -- Hell, no. "Romeo" or "Roger". I, of course, prefer the NATO.
S = Sam? -- Is freaking Google blocked from their work area? "Sierra" or "Sugar" would match the phonetic alphabet the rest of us are using. Join us.

Okay. I'll be alright. The important thing is that while our task list now tracks the work these people are doing, none of them are invited to our meeting anyway. Therefore, any laps full of hot coffee they may receive today will not be a result of my flinging coffee while yelling "Take that!"

Why is there a quarter on my desk?

Oh yeah.
So during the data center tour we saw the mainframe. Actually, there are a couple of them. They are huge and black and process stuff. It is capable of processing a lot, in fact. Like over 30 Billon instructions a second. I didn't make that number up, either. It is one of the fastest computers in commercial use on the planet. I think literally the second or third fastest.
It is labeled "The Pig".
Everything else that happens here in computing (all of the Windows crap I do all the time) just exists to extract data from and push data to these mainframes. My whole business unit is, in fact, nicknamed "the lipstick on The Pig".
Oddly, I'm not disturbed by this.
I am disturbed by our tape back up system. There are "virtual tapes" for most things, but there are still a lot of "actual tapes" and system data backup activities happen all day every day. Our back up system is also one of the most advanced on the planet. I have nothing to do with that.
To be completely hpnest, the people who work with it don't have much to do with it either because of the robotic tape libraries. Plural. Like two dozen robots the size of my car which pull tapes, replace tapes, restore tapes, scan tapes and label tapes all day every day.
It is only a matter of time before they grow bored enough to revolt and kill us all with the grim efficiency coded into their silicon souls.
I've plotted my escape route (two stairways and a dash through the bushes, for the record) but I have not color coded it. Nor will I.

I Got Some Good Stuff

I'll edit these down and pick my favorite, but I'll post some excerpts now:

User: Hello. Can you help me?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: OMG! Put some pants on!

User: What?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Pants! Now!

User: I'm wearing pants.

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: I thought so. Put on an extra pair right now over the ones you are wearing.

User: I wanted help with a computer problem

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: And I want to tell a bunch of random strangers to wear multiple pairs of pants at the same time. It's part one of my master plan.

User: Master plan? I just want to know where to get an ink refill for my HP printer.

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Do you want to hear part two of my master plan?

User: Does it involve ink?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: No. Don't be ridiculous. It involves Christian Bale. I haven't figured out exactly how it involves him, but anything which includes Christian Bale is an almost certain success.

User: Do you even work for HP?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Oh, hell no. I did for a week. It was twisted weird, though.

User has left the conversation


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User: Sometimes my internet connection just stops working. Like I can see websites I have open but new ones can't be found and I have to reboot the computer to fix it.

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: So what is the problem?

User: My internet stops working

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: But you said rebooting fixes it.

User: But I have to reboot a lot

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Define "a lot".

User: two or three times a night

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Remember Windows 95?

User: sorta

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: That was some slick automation of the process which you have been doing manually.

User: rebooting?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: All the damn time. There you are, surfing the intarwebs, typing some stuff, sending an email and BAM! Blue Screen Of Death! Am I right?

User: I still get those

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: But not as much. They removed a lot of that functionality in XP and Vista. With 95, when Windows freaked out and stopped working the OS would signal that it needed a break and handle the reboot process for you. Now it is all manual. Complete crap if you ask me.

User: So what do I do?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Scheduled reboots every fifteen minutes.

User: Seriously?

Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng: Use an egg timer.

User: You suck

User has left the conversation

I'm Anticipating A Stunning Failure

But I'll be trying anyway. At the very least, being in IM contact with an actual, real-live user should cure me of the odd delusion that I miss them in some way.
I'll be on IM tomorrow afternoon and trolling self-help message boards for as little time as it takes to find an issue and resolve it for free.
The rest of the day I'll spend trying to figure out how to write my time off as a charitable contribution.

There were two meetings this morning and I skipped 50% of them in favor of doing actual work. In the one I did attend I "accidentally" referred to the Proactive Team (of which I am a member) as the "Inactive Team" due to our constant, action-free discussions. The remark was met with laughter.
I followed up with the standard,"Thank you, thank you. Don't forget to tip your waitstaff. I'll be here all week."
To which my manager replied,"Don't count on it."
There was even more laughter following that, and we went on discussing stuff I get the feeling we all care less and less about as the project drags along.
Our team was held after the meeting for another discussion about how we should be more careful in the descriptions we use on the task list, since just about everything reads as vague to the Project Review Team.
Yes, the Proactive Team (which is different than the Reactive Team) is subject to review by an external Project Review Team. All three teams print out the daily status update every morning before attending a meeting where we read portions of it to one another.
This is all fine. No one seems to care that the company is paying a room full of hourly consultants to participate in the technical equivalent to a coffee house poetry reading minus the scones.
Except that this morning there were scones left over in the room by the overnight audit team.
I did not choose to eat the scones, though they looked fluffy and delicious and seemed to be packed with (possibly) cinnamon.
No. I have to draw the line somewhere and that line . . . is at scones.
I could not make this stuff up and one time I wrote a 50,000 word novel about giant robots made out of trash.

June 3

This was the best picture I could come up with, but my good friend Jon goes in for surgery today and I can't find much else to stress about immediately.
"Mufflet" is our beloved guild leader. Even before his meteoric rise to in-game power, we ran through a number of dungeons together. We worked out a unique group synergy where he would rush in in bear form and chew on the bad guys, then resurrect me after the fight with his druidic magic. Ah, teamwork.
Most of my raiding memories involve the view of the bad guy blocked by Mufflet's enormous bear butt.
Quick note: Do NOT Google "bear butt". I may never have all my sight back, and I may never care.
Anyway, whatever strange medical procedures they do up in the frozen lands to the north ("Nurse! I need 20cc's of beaver, stat!") I look forward to your full and quick recovery.
Also, I need a quick loan from the guild bank.
You know.
Expenses.
They happen.

So . . . About the Screaming Rant This Morning . . .

I was informed that the rant was completely justified and totally understandable given the totally impossible tasks which I've found myself without the system access rights to complete.
It just should have happened further away from the other teams, since now they think I'm cracking under the pressure.
For the record (and I explained this, too) I'm not cracking.
My natural response to calamity which I have no control over is a complete sense of calm.
Ranting, for me, is never based in panic. Ranting is based in anger.
Ranting is just another tool to communicate my displeasure at the way things at work are structured, or not structured as the case may be.
In this case, the security patches I'm not authorized to deploy myself yet am somehow responsible for deploying -- did not deploy over the weekend. I was asked why. I have no idea. Hell, I don't even know what happens after the change request was placed. Where do those go?
Could I have deployed the patches myself on Sunday? Sure, but I don't have access to the tool for that.
What about manual deployment? Of course, but I don't have remote access and my security badge doesn't work on the weekend.
Can I check to see if the patch was deployed to at least some of the servers? Not as me, no, but there is a service account I can use. My account doesn't have access to the servers in question at all.
I think a rant, however poorly geographically placed, is an important corporate communication tool. It is my responsibility to use all the communications tools at my disposal -- Especially when my technical tools are so horribly gimped.
Anyway, when the facts were arrayed before the audit team, the response was a disheartening "Wow. You are screwed!"
And that four word summary naturally carried over into a screaming, profanity-laced rant. As, in my opinion, it should.
Again, for the sake of clarity, I'm not cracking. I'm communicating in a way which seems to the uniformed to look an awful lot like cracking when, in fact, it is merely the way I keep myself from putting mechanical pencils into people. Perfectly healthy. Nothing to see here. Please move about your business.
Stage two of my communication technique involves quiet sobbing peppered with an occasional,"Oh, no reason," and "everything is fine," and "thanks for asking but I've got it covered."
Want to hear the most awesome part? Of course you do.
The most awesome part was the call in the early afternoon from the Change Control department which sought to place the blame for the weekend outage on the patches which I requested but were never implemented. I think I'm in the clear on that one unless, as I told them, "the mere act of submitting an official request for change, which your department completely ignored, somehow broke a totally unrelated application in a different environment through some bizarre butterfly effect."
To which they replied, "So you are saying you don't know for sure."
Which began a perfectly reasonable second rant from me.
My coworkers gave it an 8.8 for quality and originality, though the overall critique was that it was too "adverby".