Haiku = Old and busted
Fib = The new hotness
I'm always one for stepping up the geeky. Let it never be said that I was content with the same tired old Haiku format from late 19th century Japan.
I'm going to convert the poetry style of choice to the Fibonacci format. According to the Fibonacci sequence, the last two numbers are combined to form the following number.
Starting with one and zero:
1+0=1
0+1=1
1+1=2
1+2=3
2+3=5
3+5=8
5+8=13
8+13=21
So, the new poetry "w00+", in syllables by line is:
1
1
2
3
5
8
For a twenty syllable masterwork.
5, 7, 5 is t3h L4M3!
I
can't
begin
to describe
how nerdy it is
to write poetry based in math!
There is surely room for more job hating in three extra syllables as well.
Work
sucks
so much
I hate them
Why do they call me?
I should F disk the whole damn place.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Ahem . . . .
Casual Jeans Friday! Casual Jeans Friday!
Actually, that hardly applies anymore for a couple of reasons.
First, I wear jeans everyday now since I decided I didn't want to look like the only guy who cares.
Second, I'm not even going to work today, so it could almost be "No Jeans Friday".
Today is my daughter's Birthday, which means that seven years ago today I was on the phone with my help desk trying to talk them through a WAN outage. "Just remain calm, guys. Have some ice chips, they seem to be a hit here."
So plans for today include hanging out with Gwynyth and having lunch somewhere before she no longer qualifies for the kids meal. Later on there is a serious party involving ice cream and about a gazillion cookies Shana made.
For anyone here just to read about work stuff, I never got a response to the email I sent earlier this week. Nothing at all.
We did have a follow up meeting to the "Morale Crisis" meeting of January.
Basically, the Employee Satisfaction surveys came back in horrible shape. Out of a target 3.5 the techs scored a 2.2. They have done a lot of stuff to raise morale since then. For the sales people. They had a 3.6 to begin with.
At the follow up meeting they gave us copies of the same chart and asked how we felt currently. "Has it improved?"
Well, the chart wasn't shaped correctly to chart improvement, but I shared a pen with another tech and we laughed a lot at the format vs. the question. In the end, he wrote in random squares "Kittens", "Rainbows" and, under overall satisfaction, "I like chocolate." It made about as much sense as anything else.
I wrote outside the chart a series of negative numbers and, under overall satisfaction, drew a picture of a skull with a spike through it. Hey, they were anonymous, right?
Anyway, later in the day the guy that collected the forms said that he and management had a good laugh over my "chocolate" joke but that they were deeply concerned about the tech who shared my pen.
Casual Jeans Friday! Casual Jeans Friday!
Actually, that hardly applies anymore for a couple of reasons.
First, I wear jeans everyday now since I decided I didn't want to look like the only guy who cares.
Second, I'm not even going to work today, so it could almost be "No Jeans Friday".
Today is my daughter's Birthday, which means that seven years ago today I was on the phone with my help desk trying to talk them through a WAN outage. "Just remain calm, guys. Have some ice chips, they seem to be a hit here."
So plans for today include hanging out with Gwynyth and having lunch somewhere before she no longer qualifies for the kids meal. Later on there is a serious party involving ice cream and about a gazillion cookies Shana made.
For anyone here just to read about work stuff, I never got a response to the email I sent earlier this week. Nothing at all.
We did have a follow up meeting to the "Morale Crisis" meeting of January.
Basically, the Employee Satisfaction surveys came back in horrible shape. Out of a target 3.5 the techs scored a 2.2. They have done a lot of stuff to raise morale since then. For the sales people. They had a 3.6 to begin with.
At the follow up meeting they gave us copies of the same chart and asked how we felt currently. "Has it improved?"
Well, the chart wasn't shaped correctly to chart improvement, but I shared a pen with another tech and we laughed a lot at the format vs. the question. In the end, he wrote in random squares "Kittens", "Rainbows" and, under overall satisfaction, "I like chocolate." It made about as much sense as anything else.
I wrote outside the chart a series of negative numbers and, under overall satisfaction, drew a picture of a skull with a spike through it. Hey, they were anonymous, right?
Anyway, later in the day the guy that collected the forms said that he and management had a good laugh over my "chocolate" joke but that they were deeply concerned about the tech who shared my pen.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Hey! Look, everybody! Its a blog about blogging!
Ok, I hope not. But yesterday at lunch several co-workers came out of the blog closet. Due to the day-to-day content of this page, I was unable to share mine. I'll get over my skipped chance at self-promotion by reporting right here and right now that I have a blog. I've lost the URL, but I suspect you could Google it. Pretty Geeky something-something. You could Google anything, just don't do it from a work computer.
I spent most of last night in a spooky old data center downtown doing "smart hands" work. Of course, I still had to be in at my regular time this morning. I must say my hands are considerably less smart on 4 hours sleep. And my head feels squishy.
Yesterday afternoon Microsoft called and (since no one wants to talk to Microsoft) I was placed back on the Microsoft team for long enough to take the call.
It seems software licensing irregularities have prompted "concern" in Redmond about the status of our account. I quickly announced that I had nothing to do with that and tossed my manager to the Microsoft wolves, by name.
While I was on the phone, a co-worker reminded me of our Operations Status meeting and I hung up and followed him upstairs to attend.
We went around the table and announced (by the meeting purpose) anything being done that could impact anyone else or the company. When it was my turn I told everyone that I have no impact.
Then, at the end of the table someone suggested I be sent to Crystal Reports training. I've only logged into Crystal Reports once in my life. I don't want to be trained in it. Crystal Reports is so . . . middle manager.
But this suggestion shocked me profoundly enough that I declined the opportunity then and there with a confused, "Um. No thanks. Why the hell would I want that?"
Having been surprised, I flashed back to the phone conversation with Microsoft of five minutes before. I had completely blocked it out!
"Oh yeah, I've got something that may impact some people," and I told them about the impending Microsoft audit. Crystal Reports completely forgotten, I watched the flurry of activity as plans were created. Worst case (though no one I know handles licenses) we have 50 employees and ten Microsoft Office licenses. I suggested we simply fire forty people and format their computers. I started listing specific people. My name was on top of the list.
My manager volunteered his own name to my initiative.
In the end, it was decided we would meet with the worlds largest software company on Monday and work it out. This severely impacts my plan of taking all of next week off, as is my right having been here six months.
Plans for today include finding out exactly how much time I can take off next week and then doing that paperwork. Of course, having just received a field promotion to Software Audit Scape Goat, I may be too busy to do much of anything. Except write haiku:
My workplace is doomed
Microsoft is onto us
There's nowhere to hide.
Pay for your programs
Warez is for hacker newbies
Bill Gates will find you.
Ok, I hope not. But yesterday at lunch several co-workers came out of the blog closet. Due to the day-to-day content of this page, I was unable to share mine. I'll get over my skipped chance at self-promotion by reporting right here and right now that I have a blog. I've lost the URL, but I suspect you could Google it. Pretty Geeky something-something. You could Google anything, just don't do it from a work computer.
I spent most of last night in a spooky old data center downtown doing "smart hands" work. Of course, I still had to be in at my regular time this morning. I must say my hands are considerably less smart on 4 hours sleep. And my head feels squishy.
Yesterday afternoon Microsoft called and (since no one wants to talk to Microsoft) I was placed back on the Microsoft team for long enough to take the call.
It seems software licensing irregularities have prompted "concern" in Redmond about the status of our account. I quickly announced that I had nothing to do with that and tossed my manager to the Microsoft wolves, by name.
While I was on the phone, a co-worker reminded me of our Operations Status meeting and I hung up and followed him upstairs to attend.
We went around the table and announced (by the meeting purpose) anything being done that could impact anyone else or the company. When it was my turn I told everyone that I have no impact.
Then, at the end of the table someone suggested I be sent to Crystal Reports training. I've only logged into Crystal Reports once in my life. I don't want to be trained in it. Crystal Reports is so . . . middle manager.
But this suggestion shocked me profoundly enough that I declined the opportunity then and there with a confused, "Um. No thanks. Why the hell would I want that?"
Having been surprised, I flashed back to the phone conversation with Microsoft of five minutes before. I had completely blocked it out!
"Oh yeah, I've got something that may impact some people," and I told them about the impending Microsoft audit. Crystal Reports completely forgotten, I watched the flurry of activity as plans were created. Worst case (though no one I know handles licenses) we have 50 employees and ten Microsoft Office licenses. I suggested we simply fire forty people and format their computers. I started listing specific people. My name was on top of the list.
My manager volunteered his own name to my initiative.
In the end, it was decided we would meet with the worlds largest software company on Monday and work it out. This severely impacts my plan of taking all of next week off, as is my right having been here six months.
Plans for today include finding out exactly how much time I can take off next week and then doing that paperwork. Of course, having just received a field promotion to Software Audit Scape Goat, I may be too busy to do much of anything. Except write haiku:
My workplace is doomed
Microsoft is onto us
There's nowhere to hide.
Pay for your programs
Warez is for hacker newbies
Bill Gates will find you.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
From: Garrick {Me@*******.com} |
To: ********* {MyManager@*******.com}
Date: Apr 26, 2006 10:28 AM
Subject: The long answer
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Report phishing | Show original | Message text garbled?
Ok. First of all, I like it here.
I enjoy the people who share this 20ft by 20ft room quite a lot.
(Sales person's name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) is a total bastard and I completely can’t stand him.
(Upper management person's name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) totally lied to me coming in to this and every day I find myself more and more angry about it for some reason I can’t quantify.
What I can quantify is that I’m way over paid for what I do. As much as some customers like me, the fact that (Guy at company name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) thinks I’m a moron is something that seems to carry weight around here, even though I continued to work on their broken crap for months even after he and (Sales person's name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) reached a consensus about my uselessness.
Personally, that whole situation has genuinely impacted my self-esteem. At the risk of sounding like a bitch, I doubt my own abilities and am developing a seriously paranoid streak.
OpenView is fine, but if I were (Employer's name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) there is no way I’d pay my salary for me to be trained on it. I do not currently see a future for myself here, but I’m trying to not take it personally.
I will continue to do whatever is required to keep things running and, if possible, improve them.
That said, I filled out a request for PTO this morning but hadn’t had a chance to give it to you with the (Company name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) issue and all. Also I’m looking into fixes for (Company name deleted to comply with non-disclosure agreement) printing, though that doesn’t look so good. There is only so much you can do with Metaframe 1.8.
Thanks,
Garrick
This morning (and thanks to the policy that allows sales people two drinks an hour for lunch probably the afternoon, too) most of the non-technical staff is out of the building enjoying free food while some manager-type talks to them about disaster recovery. Nothing too technical, just enough information to let them scare people into using our services.
I've decided to use this time to vent about the interview process, and one interview in particular that was so bad I turned down a job.
First, the kinds of places I'm interviewing I'm always over-dressed. Not that I could show up for an actual interview in jeans, but when I'm the only guy in the room in a tie I always feel like I'm playing dress up.
Secondly, the technical interview is never comfortable. Most troubleshooting questions come down to religious issues in the end, and what works for one person may not work for everyone else. In the case of this interview I (played by jacket and tie guy) was seated across the table from a group of six guys (played by jeans wearing bitter people) who took turns asking me things.
These were questions pretty much directly off the certification exam. Having passed that exam years ago, I was fairly sure my answers were correct. Then the interview broke.
One guy asked me what the local copy of the application database is called. My answer was "MF20.mdc, or something like that." I don't remember the exact file name (still don't) but it is one of two *.mdc files on every server running this product.
"Wrong," the guy said, "and I was looking for local host cache."
"That is the function, or description, or purpose of the file. The file is called MF20.mdc," I was pissed. Bad idea to argue in an interview, but I wasn't going to go down like a punk.
"No it isn't. The file name is RM20.mdc," he wouldn't drop it.
"The 'RM' in that file stands for 'Resource Manager'. It is in the same directory as the file that handles everything 'MetaFrame', which is MF20.mdc.," It was a matter of honor, now. Nothing else I could do.
I watched a fight at this point as four of the six people tore into each other like rabid weasels in a sack. Some agreed with me, some with the other guy. In the end, a Google search proved me right but that isn't the point. Well, not the whole point.
The point is that if a person is going to ask a technical question in an interview, he should freaking know the answer. AND the question should be worth something. A more useful question would be "How do you recreate the local host cache in the event of a failure?" or "If a server starts acting funny and you can't reboot it because people are on it, what would you do?"
The third strike was after the fight when they decided (Lord of the Flies style) that I would answer un-interrupted. They asked me to draw on the whiteboard a network design for remote access. I drew one. They stared.
I drew a second option. They continued to stare.
I drew a kitten.
"That isn't how we do it here."
"Ok. I don't have access to your policies documents. There are half a dozen ways it can be done depending on your standards. Tell me how you would do it."
"It doesn't matter, I guess."
I guess it didn't, because I was offered the job.
And I turned it down to take this job, because the other job looked like constant fire fighting and I had been assured that that would not be the case here. Lying bastards.
And I believed it, because sometimes the most important elements in the technical interview are non-technical. Since my interview there insiders have told me that the team did, in fact, implode shortly after my visit. As a result of my "this place is a trauma-fest" diagnosis they have actually changed the entire interview process to make it less confrontational. Too late for me, but maybe karma will help out in my current job search.
The last Windows admin here actually left to work for the company I declined a couple of months after "the incident". It is a very tiny tech world, and his interview was smooth and awesome.
Plans for today include stealing office supplies and writing profanity on the underside of my desk with a stolen Sharpie. The stolen Sharpie smells the sweetest, my friends.
I've decided to use this time to vent about the interview process, and one interview in particular that was so bad I turned down a job.
First, the kinds of places I'm interviewing I'm always over-dressed. Not that I could show up for an actual interview in jeans, but when I'm the only guy in the room in a tie I always feel like I'm playing dress up.
Secondly, the technical interview is never comfortable. Most troubleshooting questions come down to religious issues in the end, and what works for one person may not work for everyone else. In the case of this interview I (played by jacket and tie guy) was seated across the table from a group of six guys (played by jeans wearing bitter people) who took turns asking me things.
These were questions pretty much directly off the certification exam. Having passed that exam years ago, I was fairly sure my answers were correct. Then the interview broke.
One guy asked me what the local copy of the application database is called. My answer was "MF20.mdc, or something like that." I don't remember the exact file name (still don't) but it is one of two *.mdc files on every server running this product.
"Wrong," the guy said, "and I was looking for local host cache."
"That is the function, or description, or purpose of the file. The file is called MF20.mdc," I was pissed. Bad idea to argue in an interview, but I wasn't going to go down like a punk.
"No it isn't. The file name is RM20.mdc," he wouldn't drop it.
"The 'RM' in that file stands for 'Resource Manager'. It is in the same directory as the file that handles everything 'MetaFrame', which is MF20.mdc.," It was a matter of honor, now. Nothing else I could do.
I watched a fight at this point as four of the six people tore into each other like rabid weasels in a sack. Some agreed with me, some with the other guy. In the end, a Google search proved me right but that isn't the point. Well, not the whole point.
The point is that if a person is going to ask a technical question in an interview, he should freaking know the answer. AND the question should be worth something. A more useful question would be "How do you recreate the local host cache in the event of a failure?" or "If a server starts acting funny and you can't reboot it because people are on it, what would you do?"
The third strike was after the fight when they decided (Lord of the Flies style) that I would answer un-interrupted. They asked me to draw on the whiteboard a network design for remote access. I drew one. They stared.
I drew a second option. They continued to stare.
I drew a kitten.
"That isn't how we do it here."
"Ok. I don't have access to your policies documents. There are half a dozen ways it can be done depending on your standards. Tell me how you would do it."
"It doesn't matter, I guess."
I guess it didn't, because I was offered the job.
And I turned it down to take this job, because the other job looked like constant fire fighting and I had been assured that that would not be the case here. Lying bastards.
And I believed it, because sometimes the most important elements in the technical interview are non-technical. Since my interview there insiders have told me that the team did, in fact, implode shortly after my visit. As a result of my "this place is a trauma-fest" diagnosis they have actually changed the entire interview process to make it less confrontational. Too late for me, but maybe karma will help out in my current job search.
The last Windows admin here actually left to work for the company I declined a couple of months after "the incident". It is a very tiny tech world, and his interview was smooth and awesome.
Plans for today include stealing office supplies and writing profanity on the underside of my desk with a stolen Sharpie. The stolen Sharpie smells the sweetest, my friends.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Crude language warning:
Long ago, before I began this blog, I had a pretty crappy job. I'll wait while you recover from the shock.
Anyway, I was nearing the end of the contract and had spoken with the director and all contractor funding was ending actually before my last day so there was no way it would be extended. I was fine with that. In this line of work, jobs end all the time. Sometimes it is personal, sometimes it isn't.
In the final two weeks, my manager freaked out and started approving the changes I'd recommended six months before. He needed six weeks worth of work done in two weeks. He forced the changes through without the testing I'd requested. Stuff broke. Stuff broke badly.
I was trying to fix stuff and he hovered over me. I hate that.
>Tangent - In my experience, there are two management styles:
1. Slave Master - This guy leans over his galley slaves, watching their every move and flogging them for looking around and plotting an escape.
2. Pirate Captain - Getting the job done is most important. He knows his crew can do what they signed on for and he also knows they can hop off at the next port (or sooner, the scurvy dogs) if they aren't having a good time.
Ahoy, Matey, End Tangent<
Anyway, as I'm honestly trying to fix the broken crap, and this guy is promising me junk. I don't need incentive. I'm doing my job. Then, he starts talking about extending my contract. I know this guy can't do that. I talked to the manager two levels over him, remember? I shook my head and tried to ignore it, but he pressed on. When he started talking about bringing me on as a full-time employee, when I knew there was a hiring freeze, I snapped.
In front of the other galley slaves I turned and called him a f*cker.
Okay, it wasn't that direct.
What I did was request that he not be a f*cker. That somehow makes it pre-emptive . . . Like kindly, well-meaning advice. Not so much with the name calling.
Sure. It infers that he was, in fact, being a f*cker. But it does not come right out and say it. Except that it mostly does. But he was seriously being a f*cker.
Anyway, after the crisis was over we never spoke of the incident again. Except the other galley slaves still sometimes laugh about it. Because he was being a f*cker. A lot.
So anyway that manager called me today and offered me my old job back. Full time. With benefits.
What the f*ck?
Long ago, before I began this blog, I had a pretty crappy job. I'll wait while you recover from the shock.
Anyway, I was nearing the end of the contract and had spoken with the director and all contractor funding was ending actually before my last day so there was no way it would be extended. I was fine with that. In this line of work, jobs end all the time. Sometimes it is personal, sometimes it isn't.
In the final two weeks, my manager freaked out and started approving the changes I'd recommended six months before. He needed six weeks worth of work done in two weeks. He forced the changes through without the testing I'd requested. Stuff broke. Stuff broke badly.
I was trying to fix stuff and he hovered over me. I hate that.
>Tangent - In my experience, there are two management styles:
1. Slave Master - This guy leans over his galley slaves, watching their every move and flogging them for looking around and plotting an escape.
2. Pirate Captain - Getting the job done is most important. He knows his crew can do what they signed on for and he also knows they can hop off at the next port (or sooner, the scurvy dogs) if they aren't having a good time.
Ahoy, Matey, End Tangent<
Anyway, as I'm honestly trying to fix the broken crap, and this guy is promising me junk. I don't need incentive. I'm doing my job. Then, he starts talking about extending my contract. I know this guy can't do that. I talked to the manager two levels over him, remember? I shook my head and tried to ignore it, but he pressed on. When he started talking about bringing me on as a full-time employee, when I knew there was a hiring freeze, I snapped.
In front of the other galley slaves I turned and called him a f*cker.
Okay, it wasn't that direct.
What I did was request that he not be a f*cker. That somehow makes it pre-emptive . . . Like kindly, well-meaning advice. Not so much with the name calling.
Sure. It infers that he was, in fact, being a f*cker. But it does not come right out and say it. Except that it mostly does. But he was seriously being a f*cker.
Anyway, after the crisis was over we never spoke of the incident again. Except the other galley slaves still sometimes laugh about it. Because he was being a f*cker. A lot.
So anyway that manager called me today and offered me my old job back. Full time. With benefits.
What the f*ck?
Dear Mom,
You'll never believe this! Camp sucks!
The camp counselors are nothing but bullies and they insist on letting us "work out our differences" through unarmed combat in a makeshift arena. Or geek trivia. I've never even SEEN the new Battlestar Galactica! Those questions aren't fair!
Plus, I spend eight hours a day making low-quality plastic wallets that no one will ever use! What a waste of time! There is a difference between activity and progress, mother. Why does no one here know that?
Today, while I was making one of my last wallets, a camper from Camp Awanasellanything came into our tent and started complaining about the quality of our macrame pot holders. We don't even MAKE freaking macrame pot holders! But somehow, this camper from Camp Awanasellanything promised that we would deliver them by tomorrow, for about 11 cents.
How can he do that? I offered to take him upriver on a canoe trip by way of thanks, as long as he waited until I'd finished filling a sock with dimes, in accordance with camp rules.
Anyway, I have to wrap this up so I can get back to tying tiny knots all night.
Can I come home early if I "accidentally" fall and break my own legs?
Next summer I'd like to go to Ninja Camp.
Much Love,
Camper #28453 Camp Whyamihere
You'll never believe this! Camp sucks!
The camp counselors are nothing but bullies and they insist on letting us "work out our differences" through unarmed combat in a makeshift arena. Or geek trivia. I've never even SEEN the new Battlestar Galactica! Those questions aren't fair!
Plus, I spend eight hours a day making low-quality plastic wallets that no one will ever use! What a waste of time! There is a difference between activity and progress, mother. Why does no one here know that?
Today, while I was making one of my last wallets, a camper from Camp Awanasellanything came into our tent and started complaining about the quality of our macrame pot holders. We don't even MAKE freaking macrame pot holders! But somehow, this camper from Camp Awanasellanything promised that we would deliver them by tomorrow, for about 11 cents.
How can he do that? I offered to take him upriver on a canoe trip by way of thanks, as long as he waited until I'd finished filling a sock with dimes, in accordance with camp rules.
Anyway, I have to wrap this up so I can get back to tying tiny knots all night.
Can I come home early if I "accidentally" fall and break my own legs?
Next summer I'd like to go to Ninja Camp.
Much Love,
Camper #28453 Camp Whyamihere
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