Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Biggest Fan


At five feet nine and a quarter inches, I'm pretty sure I was the biggest fan at the Hannah Montana experience last night.

My Dad sent us three tickets, so with Shana out of town Gwynyth and I grabbed a friend and set out for an evening of pure, rocking awesome.

What can really be said about 90 minutes of Hannah Montana magic in glorious Disney 3D?

Let's find out:

There is a scene just after the Jonas Brothers start their set. Hannah is singing her part (We Got the Party (With Us)) and running around the stage. She wears an overcoat and huge sunglasses. She stops singing but continues to run around.

I leaned over to Gwynyth and said, "She's gone backstage to change. That's a body double. Look, they are avoiding close ups of her face. That's not Hannah Montana."

"Dad," she consoled me,"There is no Hannah Montana. Miley Cyrus plays Hannah Montana."

Nice. I feel so simple.

Your Geek-Focused movie review for the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Best of Both Worlds 3D Concert must focus on the fact that the 3D itself is possibly the best I've ever seen.

There are also bits of music where the little girl (Miley? Hannah? zOMG!) sings with less processing than she normally gets. The sad part? She has a nice voice. If they'd stop processing it to death she would sound like a person.

Billy Ray Cyrus is a funny man, even without a mullet.

The one downside of the 3D is that at times the angle made things weird. If you've ever seen Hannah Montana sing, you know that one of the things she seems to do a lot is bend at the waist to get her face closer to the audience. Any distortion in her voice from her posture is instantly cleaned up by some computer which could be using processor time to cure diseases, but the bend-at-the-waist thing is wrong in 3D due to the microphone hardware at the small of her back. She bends, the hardware doesn't, and it looks like her rib cage has slid to the side of a second, lower and larger ribcage. Or that aliens are about to burst from her kidneys and run about the arena slaying small children.

It was an experience. I'm glad we went. The girls seemed to have a great time.   

The music is not my style for the most part.

If you haven't heard Hannah Montana music, imagine something pop-sounding, textbook "soul warbles" at the end of syllables, bass parts which are repetitive enough that some kind of machine can pick it up halfway through so the bass player can rush off to snort coke off a hooker during a song and not be missed, hair-flipping chorus parts which are just indecipherable enough to cause earworms which last all day and add in screaming, shrieking little girls amplified in glorious Dolby Surround Sound. For ninety minutes.

If you've imagined it correctly, there should be a tiny trickle of blood coming out of both ears. 


Edit: I've gotten a few questions about the shirt. Inexplicably, the Men's department seemed to be sold out of Hannah Montana shirts, so I needed to content myself with a shirt meant for a larger child.

It went over surprisingly well at the theatre, except for bathroom breaks. I finished up early and then was magically transformed into the creepy guy standing outside the women's restroom in a Hannah Montana shirt. I do not recommend it unless your shame threshold is pretty high.

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