Friday, February 01, 2008

I'm Left with No Choice


As my days (frequently beginning at 6am and wrapping up around 9 or 10pm) become more and more filled with work-related asshattery, these posts are getting later and later.

I've gone over the reasonable options. What I've come up with is this:

1. Shut down the blog for a while -- An extended hiatus where I watch my page hits decline and I fade into obscurity like Tom Petty or Paula Abdul, with any attempt at a return to the public eye only resulting in an uncomfortable sadness in any readers who stumble by just hoping to see an exposed nipple on the nationally televised Half Time Show of Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng.

2. Adopt an irregular posting schedule where updates are as frequent but no attempt is made to have fresh content up first thing in the morning. This puts my post time late at night, making my content even less timely and possibly completely non-relevant by the time it is read. Making this a late night blog changes the whole feeling of the blog. My posts will be all tired and crappy, much like their author.

3. Tri-state killing spree. This option intrigues me. As a bonus, this has long been the direction Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng has been headed anyway. Of course, I'm too pretty for prison, so it really isn't a valid option that much after all.

4. Use some of our operating capital to expand our staff. Hmm. This is the preferred method, as all the hard work could be pushed off on someone, by definition, not me. A quick glance at the books sets our budget. Unless our new employee is willing to be paid in sarcasm (the true currency of the internet) the position must be titled "Intern".

Now that that is settled, I'll go about drafting the job listing:


Wanted: Intern/Minion

Experience Level:

Willing to work in exchange for scant praise and whatever snack foods my daughter finds "out of fashion" at the moment, including (but not limited to) Buffalo Style Goldfish Crackers.

Essential Skills:

Must be able to send annoying IM's to the Editor of Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng with prompts to "timely action" regarding updates to the blog. These prompts may include threats, topic ideas, time elapsed since last page update information, and any and all of the current (or archived) threat of legal action.

Must be available to proofread and post blog updates provided by the full-time staff of Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng Smarm Delivery and Cool Ranch Doritos Disposal Incorporated, LLC.

Must have a burning need to provide geek-based content to an audience which is far, far higher up on the Stahlman/Matsuko Coolness Scale than the author.

Must be willing to listen to live rants and delusional paranoid diatribes from the full time staff via cellphone or Skype, at times possibly ghost writing the transcription into something which resembles an attempt at pretending insanity for comedic value.

Must console the Editor in times of low traffic, perhaps with a few comforting words, possibly with a shared viewing of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and a good, solid cry.

Optional Skills:

Scraping up some absurd stuff off the internets and slapping it into an email to rile up the Editor into some good content.

Ability to take the worst possible first-draft middle school level post and edit it into something resembling an article.

Mad coffee abilities.

And also, perhaps, a love of commas.


We've been over this. In addition to the (implied) snack foods, the lucky intern will have valuable experience to tack onto a resume to get a better job later, perhaps one that pays in actual money (Push for Canadian Looneys -- Not only are they worth more, it is fun to say. Looney. Looooooooney. Heheh.) which can be exchanged for goods and services.

Additionally, our minion will be privy to the process behind the creation of Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng, such as it is, as well as ensuring a place among those few on the ground floor of my eventual assured total global domination.

This information, in the right (wrong) hands could well blossom into a life-long love of self-important internet activities and a Diet Coke addiction greater than the combined total of Diet Coke addictions in a small mid-western town.



Please submit applications to . Surely someone around here will have a chance to go through them.

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