Friday, July 18, 2008

Not Because I Care

The Dark Knight is a superhero movie. Therefore, I'm obligated to go so that I can trash talk with the other geeks about how it wasn't at all like the comic or was too ripped off from that other comic story arc or whatever. Fine. I'll do my part so that I can participate in spirited discussion later.
Everyone just needs to admit we already learned all we needed to about Batman from the other movies. Actually, we pretty much learned all we need to learn about life.

1. You don't need super powers to be a hero. You merely have to repress your psychosis and have an inexhaustible supply of cash.

2. Nipples go on people, not clothing. When you start adding nipples to clothing, things start to go horribly wrong.

3. Choose your sidekicks carefully. People talk.

4. Find your ideal number of mortal enemies. In Batman, the Joker killed Bruce Wayne's parents. This compresses the amount of villains into a smaller number than needed. In Batman Forever, the number was expanded to n+1, where n = Jim Carrey. Clearly, this number is too high. In the event one of your mortal enemies is killed you may choose another. Unless you choose Arnold Schwarzenegger and add nipples to your clothes.

5. It isn't over until the fat lady sings, so stay until the end of the opera or someone will kill your parents.

6. Ninja training is a good thing.

7. Always host a final showdown at your secret lair. I'm pretty sure the only bat-villain who has never been in the actual Bat-Cave is Ozzy Osbourne. And if he has been there, there is no way he remembers it.

Early reviews of The Dark Knight are all over the interwebz. I can confidently say that if it lives up to 20% of the hype, it is the greatest movie ever made. From what I've seen, Heath Ledger got The Joker right. He is a freaky scary clown. I hope if he wins that Oscar everyone is talking about it is because he is that good, not because Hollywood wants the good buzz surrounding a posthumous Oscar. My cynicism keeps me warm in the processed air of corporate America. Please excuse.
And Christian Bale is always good in everything. Not many actors can go from Newsies to playing Jesus to John Connor in the next Terminator movie. Heheh . . . Newsies.
Remember that part where Pulitzer and Hearst conspire to raise the price of newspapers in an attempt to screw over the paperboys and Bill Pullman was all upset about it? Yeah, me either.
To sum up: Saturday, at 9am EST, I'm going to see The Dark Knight with my family. It will be awesome. Or at least better than Pocahontas.

2 comments:

Jane said...

My dad was totally into that newsies thing because his personal Jesus is Teddy Roosevelt, and the little house that the newsies all live in? Totally built by Roosevelt Sr.

Trivia: I has it.

Andrew Moore said...

Are you going to be okay? Maybe you shouldn't see this on IMax. A scary clown in 70mm may be too intense.

On a side note, I once worked a puppet show with David "The King of New York" Sidoni.