Monday, July 21, 2008

The Wii Is Not A Family-Friendly Console

So, we got one. It was kind of anti-climactic, really, given the scale of the search. Circuit City, Columbia, South Carolina. I bought the last one in stock, but Target had eleven, just in case I missed it.
We picked up a second controller and a couple of extra games, though Wii Sports could be played forever, most likely.
I learned early on that there are hacks to winning at boxing and tennis.
With boxing, flailing is everything. The little avatar will never look as goofy doing it as the full-grown man in front of the TV, and if your opponent isn't watching the avatar you've already won anyway.
With tennis, the flail is important but only in that you must flail repeatedly in the same directions over and over. The little guy with no arms can take almost unlimited swings at the ball, since the laws of physics only apply to people with actual arms, I guess. Don't fall down though. People with arms mock people that fall down.
Rock Band is the destroyer of family unity. In it, each of us gets an instrument and each of us has an important role to play in the whole Rock Band process. It is a triumph in cooperative gaming.
But bad things happen when the bass player has small hands.
You see, Rock Band is about commitment to the band. We want to see the World Tour mode be successful, right? Of course we do.
And the music! Let's keep our focus on the music which brought us together as a band in the first place.
And a band is only as strong as the bass player with the smallest hands. Like, say, hands which are nine years old.
I guess this is kind of like VH1 Behind The Music, because I've had to have the talk with our little bass player. It could be worse. She could be using meth or passing out drunk on the tour bus. It seems unfair to be limited by small hands.
But rock is not fair.
Rock is about getting the job done.
Rock is about pulling together for a brilliant house-packing World Tour Mode and having your fingers in the right place all the time!
Sometimes artistic differences all boil down to hand size.
So I took out an ad in the local Craig's List for a new bass player to replace our daughter.
No big deal. She seemed to eventually cry herself to sleep last night. I guess. I mean, Shana and I were Wii Bowling so I wasn't really paying that much attention.
The point is this: If you feel you have what it takes to be our bass player, we are having auditions at our place this weekend. Please have your head on straight and be ready to rock.
We like to have a good time, sure, but we put the band first around here.
Please bring a list of all the other World Tour Modes you've been a part of, how those turned out, and why you left that band.
This band is a team, and we need to keep our Prima Donna attitudes in check or we won't be able to tolerate each other by the end of the tour. Our last bass player was prone to crying and asking for a drink of water or to "go outside" and I don't think I need to remind anyone how that ended. Right now we are hoping to find her a little USB cigarette lighter to hold up for our encore.
So stop by this weekend. Our bass is practically brand new. I doubt the end buttons were ever pressed at all, damn it.
It'll be awesome.
We'll have snacks.

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