Monday, September 22, 2008

Constitutional Rights

On Saturday, we went to the park for a festival.
It wasn't a regular festival, really. It was the South Carolina Pride Festival. The South Carolina Pride Festival is a lot like other festivals in that there are booths selling handmade soap, funnel cakes, and tie dye. The difference seems to be in the amount of rainbow colored items and the fact that RuPaul was the Grand Marshal of the parade.
This was the first parade I'd been to in quite a while with protesters on-site to make a big deal out of everything.
I enjoyed watching the proud people verbally destroy these protesters point-by-point.
You know that weird feeling of joy you get when you see a cat tackle a baby? It was like that.
This one guy (Sodomy Guy, as we came to call him) was quite offended at either the fact that I took his picture with the intent of sharing it on the internets or that I'd dragged my nine-year-old daughter out to see all the sinners.
In my defense, the sinners were quite fabulous.
This guy yelled at me, though. A lot.
And he suggested that Jesus could possibly help me give up my sinful ways before I let my daughter get recruited.
He screamed New Testament verses at me, and I was forced to writhe on the sidewalk in torment before I remembered that that was only supposed to work on witches, not Jews.
Also, it should be noted that the sign of the cross repels vampires and also not Jews.
Thus heartened by my immunity, I told him that his tactics didn't work on me. Or apparently any of the actually proud people at the festival.
He confessed to all of us, from across the street, that Jesus had helped him with his fornication issue.
Now, this just made me feel bad for the guy.
I mean, first of all, I'm pretty sure if Jesus had anything to do with it he wouldn't want this guy yelling in the middle of the street about it.
Second, look at him.
Can you imagine that guy having that type of issue?
What are the chances?
According to the guy's pamphlet (and there was a lot of time to read it, since proud people are not necessarily punctual when it comes to parade starts, apparently) there is no constitutional right to have homosexual sex.
As surprised as I was to learn that, I was more shocked when a quick look at the constitution online after the parade taught me that there is also no provision for heterosexual sex.
This isn't a legislated right somewhere?
Everyone please just stop until we get this all sorted out.
While I'm a little horrified, I was a lot more offended to see this admitted ex-fornicator talking to some elderly people who seemed to be just out for a walk about their sinful ways.
And probably way more graphically than the situation dictated.

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