Thursday, September 18, 2008

A Primer For The Executive Set

Hi, Executives!
I'm Sammy the Security Shark!
I really appreciate the long walk you made in from your reserved parking spaces right next to the building just to hear from little old me!
Also, thanks in advance for ignoring the fact that I'm a actually porpoise.
My job is to communicate a little bit about our core processes in a way that doesn't make you guys feel all uncomfortable and "firey".
The hard-working men and women in your Information Security Departments (and these are not, generally speaking, the uniformed contract employees you catch lounging around the entrances) are here to provide you with peace of mind as you browse our network and access your vital documents.
Or while your Admin does.
The integrity of your files and records, spreadsheets and marketing documents, and presentations and joke emails is the number one concern of the pastier elements in your I.T. organization.
These are the people who are on the front line defending this company from "evil hackers" and "terrorist groups with bizarre agendas".
Simultaneously, they defend themselves from the rest of your employees, who generally hate them for making them log in places and click a couple of extra times.
While fighting a war on two fronts is generally considered a poor strategy, your I.T. security professionals (once again, these are the guys in cargo pants who take the last of the flavored coffee in the cafeteria) do just that every day.
There are differences between these employees and those you normally see day-to-day.
First, they are likely to wear short sleeves from time to time.
Their shoes are selected for comfort first, corporate dress code second.
They drink more caffeinated beverages in a day than your family drinks in a year.
And they likely have a database somewhere which tracks all that information.
You might be surprised to know that you have something in common with these strange and peaceful creatures. I know I would!
Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek? It doesn't matter which Star Trek.
They've seen it, too. Trust me, they have.
Do you hate regular password changes? Of course you do, since most of you have made them change your accounts to not require that.
The I.T. Security crowd hates it too! Mostly because they change dozens of passwords a month and theirs are generally a good bit more complex than "123456".
Some of you look surprised, as if I'd correctly guessed it!
Wouldn't that be funny?
Also, more than a few of them have developed drinking problems as a result of working here, though generally more hard liquor and less wine than the typical Executive Level drinking problem.
In fact, that's why they selected me, Sammy the Security Shark, as their mascot, because we "drink like fish"!
Or, in my case, mammals.


Joe said...

Shouldn't that be "Sammy the Security Bottle-Nosed Dolphin"?

I'm just saying ...

Garrick said...

Bottle-Nosed Dolphins aren't vicious enough, probably.
Unless he's rabid.

Hmmmm . . .