Monday, March 16, 2009

At Least We Will Still Be Wrinkle-Free

I have two responsibilities that I take very seriously as Chief Propaganda Officer here at Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng Worldwide Amalgamated LLC.
The first is to advise my fellow geeks about the latest options is skin care.
The second is to warn everyone about the coming zombie infestation.
It is rare (though not unheard of) that I get to do both in a single post.
Avon has a new product called Derma-Full, an "injectable-grade facial filler". It satisfies all our long-term wishes for a wrinkle remover without all the painful needles! I'm as thrilled as you surely are and I'd added several bottles to my shopping cart before the image registered with that survival-focused portion of my subconscious.

It is pretty, sure, but so familiar.
Avon is a publicly-traded company, so the books should be totally transparent. However, I suspect that the majority of the shares are owned by an umbrella corporation.
More specifically, I suspect that the majority of the shares are owned by the Umbrella Corporation. Three live-action movies and about two dozen video games have tried to warn us about these guys, but people just don't listen.
In pursuit of the bottom line, these corporate monsters have caused countless deaths and unleashed ravenous hordes of zombies just about every time they display their logo.
I know the economy needs trend-setting companies right now, companies which will develop the new product that everyone must have. I also know that my allegation that Umbrella Corp is pulling the strings at Avon may be met with some questions.
However, I must make my reasoning clear.
See, the Umbrella Corporation unleashed the Tyrant Virus on the unsuspecting citizens of Raccoon City in an unheralded frenzy of rampant zombie-ism. While there are admittedly few regulations regarding zombie-creating super viruses, it should just be common sense that all testing should be extremely freaking careful.
Still, in game after movie after game, this T-Virus is spilled or sprayed or stolen or dumped somewhere and every time the city is overrun with zombies.
This doesn't explain the Avon connection, but perhaps this image of the T-Virus itself does:

Holy crap it is the same junk!
Okay, for those of you who followed the link early in this post and already dumped a lot of Derma-Full into your online shopping cart, please drop them now.
If you are reading this after getting your supply of Derma-Full - DO NOT DROP THEM!
The warning label clearly states:

*Results not comparable to a professional procedure. **Derma-Full Serum and Cream should not be used together. ***Compared to Derma-Full Facial Filling Cream. ****Based on those who expressed an opinion and were not already transformed into hideous flesh-eating zombies.

Also, it may be time to revitalize the economy the old-fashioned way -- By buying stock in companies which make baseball bats, shotguns and chainsaws.

No comments: