Friday, October 05, 2007

Plans for the End of the Month


I run across a lot of things that just don't add up.

This article, for example.

Every year we all hear about protests and demonstrations against Halloween and all the associated evils, but the real evil is rarely identified.

Is Satan corrupting children dressed up as ninjas and pirates? Obviously not, since children dressed as ninjas and pirates are too awesome to ever be corrupted by anything. What about kids dressed as clowns or Pokemon? Maybe.

Anyone in a "Barney the Dinosaur" outfit cannot be evil, since the sight of that guy always causes me to offer up a brief prayer of thanks to God for the meteor that he sent to take out the rest of the dinosaurs.

The article (for those of you who didn't make it through it) recommended other activities to replace trick-or-treating to ensure that Satan doesn't get near the children. The side bonus is that kids who don't participate in trick-or-treating fall into an easily established "non-dateable" classification which can even follow them to an out-of-state college.

Here is one of my favorite bits:

"Occultic[sic]-oriented rock performers have flourished in this generation. Some rockers even try to persuade teenage listeners to kill themselves and their parents. The influence of the occult has been behind some of the most horrific school shootings of this past decade."

Because the best way to sell a product is to kill your customer base.

Anyway, now that you have your own kids secreted away in some bunker or compound, the article recommends that you greet the neighbor kids with these. Mmmm. . . . New Testa-Mints!

In all seriousness, handing out tracts of scripture on Halloween also has a side benefit. The whole family can spend time together scrubbing egg off the house every November 1st.

"Happy Egg Scrubbing Day, everyone!" I've submitted the idea to Hallmark already and I'm proofing the latest draft of cards. Apparently there was a "Holiday Hole" (as we in the industry call it) between Halloween and "Dia De Los Muertos" which needed to be filled. Specifically, it needed to be filled with greeting cards and little stuffed plush eggs with googly eyes.

Okay. Real evil time. I'm naming it.

The true evil of Halloween is High Fructose Corn Syrup. Moderation mitigates it like a stake through the heart mitigates a vampire. The joy of this technique is that we can fully participate in Halloween and not get our house coated in eggs.

And there we go. Evil averted. That is just what we do here at the Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng Institute of Holiday Evaluation and Diet Coke Disposal Facility.


Andrew Moore said...

Just casually mentioning something called "testa-mints" in conversation would have initiated such a barrage of fun-making at my expense that I shudder to think about it. If only "testa-mints" came in a satchel or bag of some sort.

But nevermind them mealy-mouth testa-mints. You want to put the fear of the devil in kids, hand out some good old fashioned Jack Chick tracts:

I recommend the one entitled "Happy Halloween."

Garrick said...

Ah, Jack Chick. He scares me in ways he didn't even intend.
I love the Dungeons and Dragons ones.

Andrew Moore said...

I actually worked Jack Chick into my NaNoWriMo last year.

It's like "Tales From the Crypt" for fundamentalists. Good times.