Friday, January 04, 2008

A Post Filled With Win

Photo 46

Ah, the artificially sweet taste of victory!

That highlighted line denotes that I was able to purchase and then enjoy a Sugar-Free Cinnamon Dolce Latte, ladies and gentlemen. I recommend you all do the same. The Breve part of the order moves it from the realm of "Drink" and firmly into the area I like to call "Primary Food Group". It is optional for most, but we at the Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng Institute of Relevant Social Change and Discount Sarcasm Emporium have made it mandatory for all employees.

This is a copy of he actual receipt, since a person with a worn-out bank card has to generally sign for everything for some reason. This morning I realized, given the time of year, that it has been over 18 months since I signed my name on the bottom line of a receipt for anything even though I've been asked to do so multiple times a week.

I decided a while back that if it were my job to process those things I might check ID (that happens) and I might examine the bank card to see if it were fake (perhaps made of cheese) but I would never, ever look at the scrap of paper after it had been signed by the customer. Why would I? The transaction is complete and I'd probably have stuff to do.

I've learned that my theory about this is correct, as no one has ever called me on it. In addition to rushing out to buy anything flavored with Sugar-Free Cinnamon Dolce syrup, I recommend you try having fun with the signature lines.

When I first started this experiment, I drew a straight line across the signature area, as though I were crossing it out. Variations in my muscle control could produce a wavy line, though, and I decided a person looking at it might decide the wavy line constituted a name.

I switched to a bold "X" and I used that for a few days, but then I started thinking about how that was a legitimate signature for people who are illiterate, or it used to be years ago at least.

Note: I do not use the term "illiterate" in a derogatory way, but I'll offer apologies in advance if I've offended any of my no doubt many illiterate readers.

So, for fear of having the clerk/barrista/attendant/waiter think me unable to write my own name, I switched to real words.

For over four months, all I wrote on the signature line of anything involving my bank card was the phrase "STOLEN CARD" in as neat a text as I could produce. I anticipated calls from the bank where I would explain and we (the bank employee and I) would have a good laugh and they would have a story to tell their friends.

That call never happened, and I began to be concerned for the state of my financial security. Rather than address the issue with retailers or my bank, I switched my signature again.

"Not My Name" became a pretty solid contender for my signature of choice, but the combination of differently angled vertical lines combined with my keyboard-related reduction in writing proficiency made that take too long and I feared that might give the game away.

For over a year now, I've signed everything with the words "ChimP Ass". Now I write it better than I write my actual name and I fear that it looks close enough that I will never, ever be caught. I'd switch again, but it still makes me giggle when I write it and even that act of laughing while signing has not evoked an even cursory examination of my "signature".

For Great Justice,

ChimP Ass

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