Wednesday, January 16, 2008



I've pretty much given up on ever seeing a Nintendo Wii at retail. I'm starting to come to terms with that after a year of looking for one.

I refuse to buy a "Bundle" packaged with games I don't want and I refuse to buy one off the internet after a few websites claimed to have one and offered to let me order something (A token? A Wii voucher?) which would guarantee the Wii would be sent my way in the event anyone ever saw one.

In truth, I wanted (No. Expected.) to walk into EB Games and pick up the console for the price advertised, carry it to the register and walk out with one a few moments later after advising the clerk that the magnetic stripe on my bank card has worn through and he will have to type in the number. This is the way things should be purchased in an ideal world.

Except for music. Music should be purchased from the iTunes Store. Or maybe it falls off a truck.

I'm not sure about music.

I've been in a lot of video game stores in the past year, and my methods have degenerated a bit over time. I once strode in and demanded the precise date and time of the next shipment of Wiis. This information is not given freely to people who wander in from the mall. This information is reserved for those relationship masters who cultivate a friendship with the staff at a game store.

The last time I walked in, I walked up to the counter and requested a Wii as though it was a bag of ice at the grocery store "and I guess I'll need a second controller, right?" Since the staff is still shocked I could even ask, I know that the bitterness these supply problems have instilled in me will eventually prevent my purchase, even in the coming days when the Wii flows like cheap beer at a frat party.

People regularly send me video clips from YouTube or on MySpace which speak to the bliss which can only be achieved through Wii-ownership, yet I remain Wii-less -- Engrossed in the daily struggles of my daughter's Webkinz and threatening anyone who will listen that I'll set up a Second Life account and spend my evenings as a giant, rubber-clad raccoon-man. Don't think I won't do it.

As you may have already guessed, my post from yesterday was not well-received. When I pulled into my driveway in the afternoon my front yard was entirely filled with little killer robots, all powered by Windows CE and Liquid Hate. Fortunately, they were very tiny and slow. They continued to pound away on the doors and glass most of the evening until it started to rain and they departed, damp and bored and in need of the kind of love only an all-night waffle house can provide.

An iPhone-based killer robot would have traveled back in time to kill me before the offending post was ever written and then been elected Governor of California. 

These are not the typical issues of website content generators like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. No. Issues relating to killer robots powered by Microsoft seem specific to me. It is the path I have chosen. Up until now.

Things have to change here at the Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng Center For Pop-Culture References And Comic Book Movie Review Discount Emporium.

This morning I'm announcing (in my very own black mock turtleneck and jeans clad keynote) that we are rethinking our chosen demographic. In order to avoid another rainy morning of picking robot parts out of the lawn, I need to reach out to a more media-driven reader-base. People who care what Avril Lavigne is doing. People who know the lyrics to Hannah Montana songs. People with Facebook accounts they are looking to migrate to Twitter with a kind of cold dread normally reserved for routine surgical procedures. People who watch TV live rather than off the DVR with the commercials stripped out or downloaded off the internet. People who know the rules to Texas Hold 'Em.

To put it directly: Goodbye "Pasty IT Guy", hello "Slutty MILF".

I hope this transition is a smooth one for all parties involved.

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