Monday, April 30, 2007

As I'm sure the press releases have communicated to everyone on the planet a dozen times already, this week is the World Wide Managers' Meeting for my company.
Okay, maybe people in what we like to refer to as "the outside" don't get all the press releases, but by the sheer volume of them I'm certain a few million were spurted out the firewall at some point.
The World Wide Managers' Meeting means a few things:

1. There are no managers in the building, or indeed the city
2. Productivity should actually improve company-wide based on numbers from prior years
3. I'm wearing cut-off shorts so short that my pockets hang out the bottom
4. Good luck scheduling a round of golf anywhere near Austin, Texas for the next week

Also, this week I'll stagger home on Thursday night, load up on legal stimulants, then head back out to attend the midnight showing of Spiderman 3 with some friends at a theatre that serves beer.
The following morning I'll load up on more stimulants and drag myself to work.
There won't be anyone else here on the Friday of the World Wide Managers' Meeting, but I plan to set a new standard for impaired productivity.
The thing is, I have to see Spiderman 3. I owe it to Sam Raimi.
The first Spiderman movie is the film that actually made me expect comic book movies to be good again.
It totally blew away years and years of history to create a cinematic optimism in a large portion of the geek community. Peter Parker is, and always has been, one of us.
A little known statistic is that over 90% of spider bites requiring medical treatment occur inside server rooms.
We hunt spiders down, hoping they have been exposed to Intel or AMD radiation at some point, and then we goad them with Shakespearean insults and Monty Python quotes until they overcome their gentle natures and attack.
Of course, then our delicate constitutions fail us, or the sight of non-3d accelerated blood causes a swooning incident.
Either way, spider bites are nasty things. I'd much rather watch it on a giant screen with beer and popcorn and stimulants.
Oh, hey, speaking of stimulants . . . The results of my "random" drug test came back. As you probably know, there was nothing . . . hang on I'll read . . . "nothing technically illegal, though caffeine in this quantity from a single living person is almost unheard of and is, in fact, used in place of lethal injection (in lower dosages) in some less developed West African nations" . . .
See? I'm multicultural!

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