Friday, July 13, 2007

I do not, as a rule, "rough it".
However, after our Data Center Maintenance Extravaganza (tonight at midnight until whenever we are done with the rock and roll), the family and I are headed for the beach to camp out.
I'm not sure what your definition of camping is, but for me no definition would be complete if it did not include French-milled soap, double-ply quilted toilet paper, and WiFi access.
Fortunately for all parties involved, at least the WiFi access is provided by the state park.
The other camping supplies are in my laptop bag at all times for use in case of emergency.
But what if I don't have my laptop bag with me? For a moment, we'll ignore the ridiculous nature of that question.
I keep French-milled soap and Charmin "Ultra" in my personal "Zombie Invasion Survival Kit" in the back of my car. Most zombie movies totally gloss over the true horrors of a zombie attack -- The inability to luxuriate in a hot bath to wash off the radioactive viral residue from a hard day of smashing zombies and the even more terrible reality of public restrooms.
The kit also contains the Shaun of the Dead Original Soundtrack, a stainless steel pipe, some high-fiber low-carb energy bars, bottled water and a sack of wooden garden stakes (in case the zombies are in the service of a vampire).
Just so you know, if zombies do attack, our house is the place to be. However, anyone seeking refuge will need to prove their status as "living" and possibly "uninfected" before being granted access. I don't want to be the guy that makes the mistake of inviting a vampire into our home, so this is far from an open invitation.
Proving living status need not be complicated. I'd recommend stopping at one of the many ethnic meat markets in the greater Houston area and picking up some type of brain before stopping by and knocking on our door.
When we come to the door, place the brain somewhere we can see it and comment about how unappetizing it is. That will easily prove you aren't a zombie. Please remember to dispose of the brain afterwards. Nothing "ripens" faster in the fallout-darkened sun than grey matter.
Proving you aren't a vampire is even easier. Rip the side mirror off one of the many abandoned cars and show us your reflection.
Also, if you plan on staying for a while, you should raid a supermarket for Diet Coke. Not only will I be hoarding my own supply, but I believe that Coke Reward Points will become the standard of currency in the new world order.
There was a time when I truly believed this currency would be Taco Bell sauce packets, since they are conveniently broken into various denominations (Mild, Medium, Hot and Fire) already. That annoying Taco Bell dog ruined that theory by prompting the production of several hundred billion of those things, rendering them effectively valueless.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. So we are going camping this weekend. We may make Jiffy Pop.

1 comment:

Andrew Moore said...

If you need reading material, may I recommend Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide."