No More Coke Zero Right Before Bed

Hey! Hey, wake up!

Wha?

Garrick! Wake up! We need to talk.

Who is this?

This is your brain. I'm not surprised you don't recognize my voice since I can hardly remember the last time you paid attention to me and I have perfect recall of every sensation from before you were born.

It's 4am. Can we talk later?

No. Now.

Fine. What do you want?

I'm thirsty.

Not possible. I drink plenty.

Two pots of cheap coffee at work and two-hundred and twelve ounces of Diet Coke doesn't count.

Two-hundred and twelve ounces?

Trust me, I do the math around here. That stuff is just drying me out. It's all I can do lately to keep your heart rate and respiration normal.

We'll be fine. I've been doing this for years.

I know! But if I don't get some ice water real soon I'm going to stop saving your ass.

From what?

From yourself! Without my input you are a total train wreck!

What's that supposed to mean?

Remember that meeting yesterday?

Kind of.

You were going to say,"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of and whoever is in charge of that application should be drug tested immediately."

And?

And I gave you,"We were hoping for something more intuitive than the current solution."

Yeah, I suppose that did go over better.

And in the same meeting you were all set to condemn the whole effort as being in dire need of the Cliff's Notes to "Project Management for Complete Freaking Morons with Control Issues and Excessive Body Hair" when I gave you, "I'd like to leverage some of your internal application specialists to take over certain facets of the daily deliverables."

Oh, yeah. Thanks for that one.

No problem. That's why I'm here.

Okay. So I'll drink some . . . water. Starting tomorrow. Was there anything else?

You'd better believe there is. You need to use me more often. Honestly I don't know how you've gotten by this far.

What do you mean?

Take the other day, for instance. You'd just found that Millenium Falcon playset and you took the virtual tour . . .

Yeah, that thing is so freaking awesome!

Shut up!

Okay.

And it made the sounds and you got all excited and stood up on your office chair and you were doing that ridiculous twist thing and cackling when your boss walked in.

Your point?

I wasn't going to help you. I specifically blanked myself and left you on your own. Do you remember what happened?

Sure, my boss said that he was as happy as I was that the new security scans had come back clear and I didn't bother to tell him I hadn't read that email.

Right. Do you have any idea how much that pisses me off? Did you know that is why you spent the rest of the day with Girls Just Want to Have Fun stuck in your head?

I love that song!

I hate you.