Friday, August 29, 2008

Who's Carolina Now?

I had an assignment last night.
I was to watch South Carolina play North Carolina and provide a detailed report on the outcome.
Since I know kind of pathetically little about football, which I assume this game to have been merely from the use of the word "quarterback", I've kind of had to fill in some details on my own.
Spoilers follow:

South Carolina won.

As if that is a spoiler, really.
I mean, with the way things have been here, I think you could remove all skill and steroids from the University of South Carolina and they would just beat North Carolina with pure rage.
You can't really blame them, either, with the way North Carolina has handled the conflict so far.
We've come to expect a few border skirmishes between South Carolina and North Carolina, what with the North Carolinian tendencies to both ignore maps and steal chickens.
It's been going on for hundreds of years, as I understand it.
South Carolina is content with the whole "we have Charleston and Charleston is awesome" attitude, while North Carolina hovers there, squatting over our state like a huge, misshapen buzzard, waiting to kill us all off in our sleep and form a new state called "Just Carolina".
Besides completely invalidating two whole state's worth of state quarters and no doubt increasing the financial distress for the whole rest of the nation due to the loss of 1/25th of potential vending machine revenue, the plans of these dogs from the North fail to take into account the resourcefulness of the native population of South Carolina.

Listen here, North Carolina:
Our liquor stores close at seven p.m. That's on days they are even freaking open. Some days, they don't open at all.
As a result, people in South Carolina plan every waking moment around these windows of liquor availability. It makes us develop minds for logistics. That's why your troops never get past that Exxon TravelStop on I-77. Of course we defend that outpost of freedom, since in addition to selling beer it is also one of South Carolina's major sources of Lottery tickets.
So you should just keep your Yankee selves up in Charlotte with your multiple Starbucks and your Mac store.
We'll brew our own coffee and order Macs off the interwebz. It keeps us hard and cold.
We are ready for your next attempt, North Carolina.
You don't want a piece of this. Think it through.

3 comments:

Jane said...

Dude, I lolled at "Just Carolina." In the Midwest, we call em "The Dakotas" and it works out fine for us.

Brian said...

Dude - you know you were playing North Carolina STATE, right?

Totally miss you and your sports knowledge.


Hope all is well.

Darrell said...

I've long thought that the North Carolina was up to something, Ever since it released Stephen Colbert on the world! Keep up the Good Work SC!