Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What I Can Piece Together Of The Events In Question

Okay. First you take two shots of Voyant Chai Vodka, add a shot of vanilla vodka, and top that off with a shot of coffee flavored (double caffeine) vodka. Shake this mixture with ice and pour the result into over-sized martini glasses. When delivered to your spouse, apologize about accidentally getting a little ice into the glass, since that is just bad form.
Repeat four times.
On later attempts, it is acceptible to get more and more ice into the martini, eventually switching to crushed ice and no longer caring at all about that.
This process is the direct result of a chain of events which no one predicted.
See, I found the Chai vodka on the way home from work one day, but we had no idea what to do with it.
Shana found a recipe for a "Pumpkin Martini" online, which required the vanilla vodka. She found this recipe at 8pm, which resulted in our discovery that liquor stores in Columbia, South Carolina close (by law) at 7pm.
This discovery led to a string of profanity from my normally calm and reserved spouse and her order online to a liqour store out-of-state which will eventually completely stock our liquor area.
Since that delivery is still several days out, I stopped on Friday afternoon to pick up some vanilla vodka to bridge the gap. I also saw the coffee vodka and made an impulse purchase.
Mid-way through "Coffee Martini" #4, I found myself logged into World of Warcraft, literally screaming through the Alterac Valley Player Versus Player Battleground, indiscriminately killing every moving, attackable thing. It was brutal.
It was so bad, in fact, that I got an in-game email which read:


Thanks for enjoying Alterac Valley, but please remember that it is just a game. Just chill out. Please.


The Alterac Valley Battlemaster

I did not see this email until Sunday morning.
After I'd woken up on the bathroom floor, clutching a paperback, curled up in the fetal position.
Of course, Shana had to tell me about that, since I don't remember it. I crawled into bed and went back to sleep.
On the second attempt at consciousness, I mostly remember having loud skin, the sound of it touching other skin and generally shifting over my body a deafening shriek in my ears.
"Don't drink coffee!" was the advice of the day. It was also the advice I ignored for the day.
I had the loudest skin ever.
And the TV next door was ridiculously loud. So loud, in fact that I started to head over to complain before the sounds of my feet on the tile in the entryway chased me back to bed. I asked Shana to call someone to have the tile replaced with tile which is "normally clacky" as opposed to the "enhanced clacky" the Global Headquarters seems to have as a security feature.
My overall impresions of the drink are that the first one was pretty good. So good that I might have three more, I guess.
However I have to classify those three coffee martinis as completely unmemorable.
I blame the ice.
This was a learning experience for me, since I discovered a new form of terror.
See, I noticed that my wallet was next to my laptop the next day, with my credit card out, balanced atop it like some excessively flat rock climber.
The sheer horror of not knowing what the hell I had done cannot be adequately described.
As a result, I have learned that for thirty something years, only $130 has separated me from owning my very own pair of chaps.
This is not information which is easy to come by without an ample supply of coffee martinis.

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