Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Not Sleeping Enough, Probably

This morning I was forced to make a very poor decision regarding security. I say "forced" because there was actually no decision to be made.
Doing things the right way would simply result in the application not working, so I endorsed the idea of doing things the wrong way.
It happens from time to time, but the idea of a vendor-supplied solution causing a re-architecture on our end still bugs me.
Also today my headhunter showed up with the sign for my cubicle. For the record, I'm even spelled right.
He had been planning to drop by work for a visit for a while now, but this particular visit gave him the opportunity to introduce me to his boss.
We chatted about the house buying and selling process, my hotel where they changed the sheets yesterday for the first time in a month, and how I was adjusting to South Carolina and the freakish weather patterns we've been having. By "freakish" I assume he meant "unnaturally warm" and not some rain of blood I'd slept through. I do so hate sleeping through a rain of blood.
One of these topics (and to be honest I'm not sure which) set me off. I remember talking about the little liquor bottles. I remember talking about an interview I'd seen of a guy living just south of the Texas border who complained about Americans crossing the border to buy cheap gasoline.
I think, though I'm not sure, I talked about Iron Man. I was certainly thinking about Iron Man.
My memory of the event snaps back into focus with my headhunter's boss saying,"Jesus Christ, man! You are an HR nightmare!"
In my opinion, that is hardly a fair assessment. For one thing, I'm always very nice to whoever conducts the interview whenever I am summoned to HR. Secondly, they would be able to talk about "Industry Salary Guidelines" and "Employee Benefits Awareness Programs" all the time if people (dare I say "visionaries in the field of human interaction"?) didn't give them something interesting to talk about.
Also, I never shy away from bringing cookies with me.
A lot of people will tell you to take a detailed written time line of the events in question when you are asked to pay a visit to HR. I will tell you that the time line is nice, but will never carry you as far as even a box of store-bought cookies.
HR people are a lot like regular people in two notable ways:

1. Love of cookies

2. Need to have an interesting story to tell to loved ones at the evening meal

If, for example, an employee were to dash through the cafeteria yelling "Holy crap! The bees are eating me! The bees are eating me!" when, in fact, the bees were doing no such thing, he or she might be summoned to HR for an interview about causing a disturbance.
The evening meal story loses the punchline altogether if it ends with "and we fired him".
A much better ending is, "We called him in for an interview and he brought a bunch of sugar cookies." Or snickerdoodles. You know. Whatever.
The actual type of cookie is unimportant. Unless you shop at one of those X-rated bakeries.
At an X-rated bakery, probably the worst thing you can do is grab a box of "Assorted" and drag them to your HR interview.
The Assorted X-rated cookies are more a drop-by-HR-because-you-were-thinking-of-them kind of snack.
When there has been an incident, err on the side of boring when selecting the cookies.
This wasn't at all what I was going to blog about.

But look! Evidence of ancient nerds!
It says they don't know what game the ancient Romans played, but it is a safe bet there were dragons involved somewhere.

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