Friday, March 31, 2006

Before my first on-site interview for this job, I was walked past "The Wall". "The Wall" is where the various certifications held by employees are displayed to impress potential clients and intimidate potential interviewees. This wall is thirty feet long, with a triple row of neatly framed certifications.
After I was hired, I was told to bring mine in and copies would be made for "The Wall". Once I figured out the reality of the job and environment, I never bothered.
And then there was much trauma. People were fired. Others left. No one was hired because the technical staff left seemed to be handling the crisis. More people left from overwork.
Last week I walked past "The Wall" again, this time with a more critical eye. There were names I didn't recognize, even after several months of employment. There were also names of people who managed an escape while I have been here. In fact, as I was standing there another co-worker wandered by and said, "I see dead people."
To be accurate, over 80% of the certifications on "The Wall" belonged to people no longer sharing a 401k plan with the rest of us. I pointed. I laughed. Perhaps a bit too loudly.
Wednesday an HR person entered the geek-nasium and requested that I bring in my certifications so they can place copies on "The Wall."
"WOO HOO," I thought,"Two weeks severance, here I come!!" Surely being placed on "The Wall" with the dead people is my ticket out!
"Of course!" I replied,"I've been meaning to do that. Thanks for reminding me!"
I skipped. I'm confident enough in my masculinity to admit that. I skipped out of the control center and down the hall for a Mountain Dew.
Then I saw it. Bone-white squares with yellow borders and a few scattered "Certificates of Completion" were all that remained of "The Wall." I scanned the names. They were people still employed here.
I could bring in all the certifications in the world and it might very well not make a difference. I could end up still working here either way.
There isn't enough Mountain Dew in the world to ease that pain.
On the bright side, today is Casual Jeans Friday! There are new hires (sales people and executives) to draw attention away from me and I've managed to engineer a Friday with no clear deliverables, meaning that if nothing catches on fire (knock Intel Centrino) I can continue with my "proofreading the internet" project.


Anonymous said...

Stop whining! Your stupid blog is so typical of all the other blogs by losers, goths, bedwetters, and journalism dropouts. If minds had anuses, blogging would be what your mind would do when it had to take a dump.

Joe said...

Please, please, please ... frame a picture of a kitten and have them hang it on the wall. I tell my students about Patches every time we discuss professional writing. Good times.

If minds had anuses? Wow. Seriously.

Garrick said...

Patches is all adorable all the time.
I had no idea she had educational value.

I do have to wonder if I'm being categorized as a loser, a goth or a bedwetter. I never even signed up for a journalism class.
I do qualify as a Tennis/Badminton drop out. Three semesters in a row, then I took Ballroom Dance. It just seemed more manly.

Joe said...

You do have that Goth thing going. I, on the otherhand, am more of a Visigoth ... you are perhaps an Ostrogoth?

And Patches is now legend as I have cut and pasted said picture into a powerpoint presentation discussing what to do/not to do during corporate interactions using the written word. All hail Patches!

Two interview lined up today. Cry FREEDOM!

Good times.

Garrick said...

I take it Patches is part of what not to do?
I'm not pale enough to be really goth.

Good luck on the interviews. Remember, "Mercenary" not "Whore".

Unless the money is REALLY good.

Or medium good.

Anonymous said...


Garrick said...

Open letter to "Anonymous"-

I measured. By moving your left pinky finger 3/8 inches to the left of the "A" key on a standard US keyboard you can look a lot cooler.