Friday, November 30, 2007

Things I Need Right Freaking Now


1. Sugar-Free Gingerbread syrup. I don't say it to make my coffee order sound longer and more important. I say it because actual sugar causes me stomach cramps and a bad mood you would not believe.

2. A new cellular telephone to replace the one which will no longer charge and prompts me to check my SIM. I checked my SIM, which for me means I pulled out the little card and cleaned it with a lotion-free tissue. That didn't help. Also, the whole process made me feel like a tool. My phone no longer makes or receives calls. It is less useful than ever and my high score on Motorola Pinball may be forever lost to history.

3. I need the guy who sits behind me to stop telling Jew jokes. Rather, I need for him to tell one I haven't heard so I can then explain that all of those jokes have their basis in the propaganda of post World War I Germany. It would be different , I suppose, if he knew that I am Jewish, but the assumption has been made that everyone will find these attempts at humor amusing. I will not be attending his Christmas party no matter how pretty the invitation may be.

4. Blue Diamond brand "Jalapeno Smokehouse" almonds, which are slightly more addictive than crack, in my opinion.

5. I need my MacBook Pro to show up so I can see how long I can last without installing a Microsoft OS through Parallels or Boot Camp.

6. Shorter waits for Battleground slots in World of Warcraft. Well, that is the solution to my actual need to pwn n00bz for a few hours to make myself feel better in general. And the Horde should play a little defense, damn it.

7. To get together IRL with some friends for the angry flinging of dice. It has been far, far too long.

8. I need for the Coke Rewards people to actually put something up there that is worth (if not the actual points) at least going through the Points Redemption Process -- Something I can cash in 4,500 points on and put this sad chapter of my life to bed forever. Or they could start putting points on Pibb Zero, which may be the finest soft drink ever crafted by the hands of mortals.

9. "Automating The Upgrade Process" needs to involve more "Automating" and less "Processing". Holy crap! I've never worked with such a tangled mess of code. Someone needs some type of award whenever the program does anything without the server physically catching on fire.

10. The DeathAdder.

11. A place from which my DeathAdder can deal out death. Through addition, maybe. I don't know, really. I'm just guessing based on the name. Math kills. I've been saying it for years.

12. One of those little smugness-generating Apple stickers for the back glass of the Geek-Mobile. Smugness-generating? Maybe not, but it serves as a warning to the rest of the planet that the car is Smug-enabled. I'm all about disclosure.

13. I need some time to catch up on the 3,000 or so hours of television I've downloaded and ignored up until now.

14. I need for someone at this company (a company which makes 100% of its money from the sale of software developed here) to match my concern level about the state of our Microsoft licensing. If our product were stolen, I'm sure someone here would be pretty pissed about it. Also, when I am acting as the ethical bedrock and moral compass for any random group of people, alarm bells should be going off somewhere. Loud bells. And strobe lights. And possibly some kind of automated flag-waving robot army.


Snap your mandibles once to say you understand

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