Okay. I saw the new Star Trek movie. Everyone please just calm down.Not only did I see it, I took the opportunity to take my daughter to see it. Gwynyth had never seen Star Trek in any form. I picked a team years ago and have been firmly in the Star Wars camp ever since.
But.
A total reboot of the series? Erasing 40 years of history, television series and movies and comic book tie-ins in a single swipe? No need to explain references to obscure episodes to the uninitiated? I couldn't pass that up.
Neither should any of my fellow Star Wars fans.
Sure, Star Trek is a solid movie, appreciable science fiction. And fun.
But Star Wars fans can also take comfort in the knowledge that Star Trek rebooted is Star Wars. So we were right all along.
Spoiler warning:
Wash dies.
The opening scene is a large ship shooting at a smaller ship.
Then there are scenes of a rebellious farm boy who never knew his father.
Then an older, wiser man tells the farm boy about how cool his father was.
There is a bar fight with aliens.
The wise old man then tells the farm boy he has to go on a fancy space rescue mission.
Then the bad guys destroy a planet.
The farm boy meets an adventure partner and they don't get along at first but you just know eventually they will be the best of friends.
The wise old guy gets taken out and the farm boy has to figure out the rest of the mission on his own.
So they form a team and take out the giant space super weapon.
I'm not saying . . . I'm just saying.
Star Trek, as re-imagined, is a comforting trip back to the late seventies for Star Wars fans.
It kind of made me want to watch Eragon again. That was another pretty good movie which was better when it was just Star Wars.
But I decided to just watch season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead.
May the Force be with you, Trekkies.
Also, I'll buy it on DVD, foshizzle.
8 comments:
TALE OF THE TAPE
GUIDING PHILOSOPHY:
Star Trek: Utilitarianism ("The
good of the many outweighs the
needs of the few or the one.")
Star Wars: Incest.
Advantage: Star Trek
COOL TOKEN MINORITY
Star Trek: Sulu
Star Wars: Mace Windu
Advantage: Push
MOST EGREGIOUS REVISIONISM
Star Trek: Uhura does a Vulcan
Star Wars: MITACHLORIANS? Seriously?
Advantage: Star Trek
HOT MOM QUOTIENT
Star Trek: Winona Ryder
Star Wars: Natalie Portman
Advantage: Star Wars
WORST LINES EVER
Star Trek: "Where are your nuclear wessles?"
Star Wars: "Hold me like you did, by the lake on Naboo."
Advantage: Star Trek
Star Trek wins the tale of the tape. Suck it.
Award-winning, world-class forensics coach resorting to "suck it"? I think I probably hit a vital area to merit such a vitriolic response.
ALIENS:
Star Wars: Cantina scene, puppet and CGI Yoda, Chewbacca
Star Trek: Forehead makeup
Advantage: Star Wars
NOTABLE SECONDARY CHARACTERS:
Star Wars: Boba freaking Fett
Star Trek: Q
Advantage: Star Wars
RECURRING CAST MEMBERS:
Star Wars: Emperor Palpatine, R2D2
Star Trek: Denise "Tasha Yar" Crosby in forehead makeup
Advantage: Star Wars
Aliens:
Star Trek: Forehead Makeup
Star Wars: Jar Jar Binks
Seriously ... this is how you want to play? Do you want to debate which is better, Tribbles or frickin' Ewoks who hump the leg of the pilot who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs???
And should we create a category for confusing units of distance and time???
Jar Jar Binks was horrible, sure. A character totally created in a misguided attempt to please children and people who have never been exposed to the franchise. On the other hand, Star Trek never made such an effort. New viewers had to figure out on their own that the resolution to all problems is a "phased tachyon burst".
While this has been covered before, The Kessel Run covers a stretch of space riddled with black holes. Eliminating distance from such a trip is a feat of piloting skill.
I can see tribbles being a more adorable alternative to ewoks, though the latter definitely moved more toys.
Did you ever actually try the cereal "C3P0s"??? Lucas is a whore! There were no "Data Bits" shaped like positronic 1s and 0s!
And dare I ask who shot first? Lucas neutered Han Solo. Kirk would've shot first ... and Roddenberry would've let it stand.
To keep warm, Luke chose to be put inside inside a Tauntaun. Kirk would choose a green chick. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
C3POs were a delicious part of a balanced breakfast!
Lucas is a whore, though I'm not sure that has been firmly established as a negative. Let's leave that point at a draw.
According to the Special Edition version of Star Wars, Greedo shot first. I don't like it any more than anyone else does, but the Special Edition version, since it was released later, must be considered canon. This is hella weak, I'll admit, but at least the Star Wars universe would have left Ricardo Montalban his chest hair instead of waxing a grown man for Star Trek 2 in a horrible fit of revisionist jackassery. Lucas would have CGI'd Khan's chest hair into a writhing mass of tentacles and sold a toy packed in goo with tentacles which dried out in three days and needed to be replaced.
Also, while green women are a novel idea, Kirk's promiscuity gave us a large part of the premise of the movie Ice Pirates where Robert Urich had to contend with "space herpes".
Robert Urich, Joe!
You dare mock VEGA$??? This is Spencer for Hire, man! For the love of god, is nothing sacred?
Two words: Corvette Summer.
And lay off Montalban's chest ... it was all natural, no CGI there. In his mid-fifties and his tanned pecs were like rich Corinthian leather. Can you say the same for Ian McDiarmid? His face was like leather ...
I'd never mock Spencer. I would mock space herpes. It ran around the space ship looking for a host.
You invoke Corvette Summer?
I didn't want to bring up Kingdom of the Spiders, but you have forced my hand.
Points added for Corinthian Leather pecs, though. I got no argument there.
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