Thursday, March 15, 2007

If you ask just about anyone that lives here, Texas is awesome.
We have a lot going for us. There is no state income tax. We have people everywhere willing to do our yardwork for almost less than minimum wage. Our belt buckles can be so large that they can keep us from being arrested for indecent exposure even in Florida, and even if the belt buckle is all we wear.
When is the last time someone made a pizza in the shape of West Virginia? On purpose, I mean?
People here will tell you (even unprompted) that we could drop out of the United States legally any time we like and form our own sovereign nation. In fact, the only reason we don't is so we can still participate in the National Football League.
However, a dark cloud looms on our formerly wide-open-as-all-get-out horizon.
New legislation seems aimed squarely at shooting the empty Natural Light cans off the fence posts of our basic freedoms.
I'm not talking about the proposed STD vaccinations for school girls, either.
Ladies and gentlemen, Texas may ban text messaging while driving.
So now I have to pull over in some seedy "massage parlor" parking lot if I want to text someone? What's next? I can't email? No surfing Ebay on the BlackBerry? No Lord of the Rings marathon played on my laptop while I'm stuck on I-10?
How am I supposed to get traffic updates when I'm in my car? It isn't like I can load up-to-the-minute traffic reports on my iPod in advance.
Apparently, by the same bill, if I answer my cellphone when someone calls to find out why I haven't answered their text message and don't use a headset I can get fined for that, too.
Meanwhile, all kinds of cattle rustlin', train-robbing varmints are running around shooting up saloons and coffee bars and buying way too many duty-free cartons of Marlboro Reds at the airport at once while our Texas Rangers (like Walker, not the baseball team) are following me around hoping to slap me with a fine for hitting 'send'.
Our law enforcement resources are stretched thin enough (and I mean as a group, not individually, because "thin" is rarely a word that comes to mind when discussing a Texas law man) without this invalidation of a basic right in my cellphone contract.
It is this kind of narrow thinking that lost us the Alamo.

[BowieKnife2843 to HoustonWaistCoat] - d00d!1 Send more tr00pz!
[HoustonWaistCoat to BowieKnife2843] - SRY d00d we needs a bunch o these n00bs 2 watch th1s cann0n in gonzales
[BowieKnife2843 to BuckskinC] - OMG! Houston iz such a lam3r!!1
[BuckskinC to BowieKnife2843] - ja rly! WTF are we supposed 2 do?
[BowieKnife2843 to BuckskinC] - He sed he w1ll send a new plan when he can pull off the road
[BuckskinC to BowieKnife2843] - coolz. some d00dz R here. WTF? didn't we just mow?

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