Friday, June 01, 2007

I don't know. For some reason, this device (technically a device caddy) is one of the more manly updates to the pocket protector I've ever seen. Simultaneously, it seems the most dorky in its sad attempt to cash in on tool belt fetishes.
I almost (almost!) think I'm pretty enough to pull it off, but truly making it look cool would require an almost mutant-level amount of pure, distilled, liquid pretty.
It would, to its credit, conceal (or at least distract from) the horror that is pleated pants.
Thursday "the Talk" happened.
"The Talk"is a long-honored tradition among geeks which typically begins with a discussion of a movie, TV show, or book. Typically, the conversation wends its way towards a franchise that may or may not suck when compared to an earlier season/version/storyline.
"The Talk" is the portion that invariably discusses who could beat who in a fight.
Sometimes, there are rules established and qualifying statements like "Without his utility belt" or "In space" or "The fight takes place on the rim of an active volcano", but often these are left out and the conversation remains in the purest form.

Like this:

"The Hulk vs Iron Man"

"The Hulk"

"The Hulk vs Colossus"

"The Hulk"

"The Hulk vs Batman"

"Batman"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, Batman fought Superman and won. He could pwn The Hulk"

"Okay. Batman vs Spiderman"

"Batman"

"Batman?"

"Batman"

"Professor X vs Batman"

"Professor X, but it would be close"

"The Hulk vs the Starship Enterprise"

"Enterprise A or D?"

"D"

"The Hulk"

"No way!"

"Even if The Hulk were floating leverage-free in open space and the Enterprise D had the element of surprise"

"Enterprise A vs the Hulk"

"Enterprise A has Captain Kirk. It wouldn't even be fair for The Hulk. I'd suggest he stay home"

"Doomsday vs Spiderman"

"Spiderman"

"Doomsday killed Superman!"

"He didn't kill Spiderman"

"True. Wolverine vs Spiderman"

"Spiderman"

"Come on!"

"Secret Wars #2, my friend. They settled that in the 80s. As I recall, he beat all the X-Men at once and that was before the team sucked"

"Data vs Iron Man"

"Data could reprogram the systems in Iron Man in his sleep. Data FTW"

"Ensign Wesley Crusher vs Storm"

"Storm"

"Superman vs Storm"

"Superman"

"Superman vs The Hulk"

"Superman"

"Your average Jewish person vs The Hulk"

"Your average Jewish person"

"Seriously?"

"Chosen people, my friend"

"Ah"

4 comments:

Shana said...

I'll say no to the device caddy.

And how was there no discussion about Wolverine?

Andrew Moore said...

Please don't wear a device caddy.

Please.

You see, the thing you have over all other geeks is an effortless, Dennis Miller-esque cool. It's sort of a 'Han Solo' cynicism that makes the fact that you game and collect action figures seem like you're just being ironic. It's like your geekiness has a Klingon cloaking device. Wearing the device caddy would just about kill that. Like the Spiderman Clone: Sure he has the powers, but look at the way he's dressed!

I would recommend baggy "skater" jeans with really deep pockets. If you were to sew compartments into those pockets, you could carry your entire arsenal of gadgets with you and no one would be the wiser.

Joe said...

Dockers Cargo pants would be a better option. It looks like something an elderly person would use to carry their colostomy bag. Seriously ... no one ... NO ONE ... is that pretty.

And I'm sorry to tell you this ... but shouldn't your final pairing have been a Jewish superhero? And how do you counter that the Hulk is simply a representation of the golem concept from Judaic lore?

http://www.hillel.org/jewish/holidays/chanukah/hebrew_hammer/golem.htm

There's a new wrinkle for you ...

Garrick said...

Andrew and Joe,

You are right about the cargo pants option. I briefly experimented with the Dockers with the hidden gadget pockets from several years ago, but have largely given up on stealthing anything.
The golem is a Jewish creation, but unthinking. Therefore, it is not, in my non-expert opinion, a Jew.
Were we to consider truly Jewish superheroes (such as Kitty Pryde or Batwoman) indeed either could employ ninja skills and knowledge of the Torah to defeat The Hulk.
In my non-expert opinion.

G