Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng

Sometimes the fear of death makes a person appreciate the little things in life.
Other times, the fear of dying to protect a terabyte of the CEO's joke emails from the mid-nineties in the event of a category five hurricane makes one update his or her Monster profile.
Previously, I just listed my certifications up there.
This is my new description:

Hi! If you click through to see what I've done, I'm sure you'll agree I'm pretty awesome. If you don't offer me a job (With a load of money. Seriously, like "having to change out print cartridges just to cover the commas in the check" kind of money) I might end up working for one of your competitors. I don't forget a slight, either. Proactively, I've developed a hatred for the users at your company/office/cartel as I've psychologically lumped them all into a massive grouping of "clue-free proto-humans". You shouldn't put up with their crap, and believe me I'm not about to either! I'm very thorough. If there is a problem with the way things are done at your company (and there always is) you can count on me to bitch about it both loudly and often until it goes away. I've become adept at skirting local libel laws and carry a long list of friends on which to turn state's evidence.
I have no (officially diagnosed) communicable diseases and (given proper coffee) rarely feel what my psychiatrist and I term "stabby" anymore.
Also, in the interest of disclosure, there are warrants for me in several states for kiting checks. Not this one, though! LOL!


See? Brief and to the point. It also carries key words hiring managers search for like "proactive", "adept" and "load of money". By closing with the exclamation "LOL" I build instant familiarity and establish rapport.
If (when) this company is washed out into the gulf, I'm sure to have my pick of places to go next.