Pr3++yG33kyTh1ng

Someone dropped a "7 Days Free at 24 Hour Fitness" coupon on my desk.
I have no choice but to take offense at this.
Since I wasn't here, no one asked me if I wanted one. It seems to have just been assumed that I needed one, and that is far different.
Sure, I obviously drink a lot of Diet Coke, but thin people drink diet cola too. In fact, if you look at the marketing materials, only thin people drink Diet Coke. Why would the perpetrator of this hate crime not assume I was one of those people?
Worse, what if this mystery health club coupon person actually saw me on one of my baggy shirt days and made the logical leap to a freakish alternate dimension where there is less room for me in a baggy shirt?
I never go to lunch. I take in less than 500 calories a day while I'm at the office -- That is breakfast and a low-sugar health bar for lunch.
There is a guy here who (I swear) eats like 3 cans of Chef Boyardee a day. Well, maybe it is more than one guy. Either way, the microwave is unusable after that, so there aren't a lot of options unless I want to leave the building anyway.
Even when I make the hike downstairs to the cafe on the ninth floor I get a whole wheat turkey wrap. A whole wheat freaking turkey wrap!!!
Who are these people to judge me?
I'm not making a mental list of people who make poor nutritional choices (except for canned pasta, and that is specific to canned pasta) and wear baggy shirts and drink Diet Coke (unless I can get some Coke Reward Points off them somehow) and could possibly use a gym membership.
I'm not categorizing people into groups by "needs a gym membership" or "needs a sandwich".
I don't, in short, attempt to mold anyone into an unrealistic body image based on airbrushed and photoshopped magazine covers because it is none of anybody's business and why can't we just go to work and do our stupid jobs and stop judging each other anyway?
Stop checking me out! I'm not a piece of meat administering your systems and sensuously dancing in my cubicle!
My goal for today is to find out who did this and express my opinion of their hate-filled personal attack.


Edit: It looks like these coupons were on every desk this morning. Some kind of marketing push from the 24 Hour Fitness people. Forget I brought it up.