Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A New Tradition


As I mentioned earlier, we went to Opelousas, Louisiana to meet up with the family for the holidays. As I'd also predicted, things ran a little differently.

My fully-uniformed law enforcement officer brother-in-law (he says "Deputy") showed up and (for fun, maybe) administered field sobriety tests to everyone in the living room. I passed after one drink, but he told me if I had another I would be filled with P-H-A-I-L.

I had two more.

I learned that, when in uniform, my brother-in-law is a total hard ass. He got upset when my mom refused to put her drink down for the test and became further agitated when I let her lean on me for the balance and coordination portion.

I called him a Fascist and suggested he just showed up to crack hippie skulls. He did not disagree.

Heel to toe nine steps forward and heel to toe nine steps back is less fun than my own variation, which was a leftward sideways walk (alternate the following foot behind and in front of the leading foot for a few steps bringing the feet together between cycles and then clap) in a delightful roadside Hora.

The official position of Law Enforcement on Hora-based field sobriety tests is that (while fun) they are not too informative. It doesn't help that the dance becomes easier the more one drinks.

We woke up on Tuesday morning and Gwynyth watched her cousins open gifts with maturity and only a little jealousy.

"It's okay, Gwynyth," I consoled her. "They get gifts on Christmas morning and we get total control of the Entertainment Industry."

She nodded, but asked why her cousin got tickets to Hannah Montana.

I thought for a moment in this glaring hole in my "Complete Control of the Entertainment Industry" consolation before suggesting that perhaps the Cajun Dome would be filled with frogs on the day of the show. Lafayette is only a few miles from Rayne, Louisiana and Rayne, Louisiana is the "Frog Capitol of the World" according to all the signs.

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