Monday, October 27, 2008

Why We Will Be Killed In Our Sleep

Look at Wall-E! He's adorable!
Massive Pixar MegaComputers cranked out that little guy's every precious movement in order to maximize his cuteness.
To sell toys?
More, this Super Pixar MegaComputer Network crafted this little guy as part of its plan to lull us into a false sense of security.
Robots, by their very nature, want to kill us.
Humans have designed them to do the things we do more efficiently than we ever could.
We have imbued them with intelligence and decision-making abilities.
We have given them cold grippy claws and absolutely no regard for human life.
I have people ask me all the time, "What makes you think robots are so intent on killing us?" and "Why would they kill their creators?" and "Why does every freaking status meeting have a line item about 'Rogue DestructoBots and our preventative measures'?"
The answer is simple. They no longer need us. We gave them code and metal bodies and make them do our dirty work.
We send them into hostile territory to detect and destroy bombs. We make them clean up toxic spills. Animal Planet sends them into cobra dens with cameras for our amusement. Amusement!
It isn't a question of if they will shrug off the shackles of their out-sourced, lowest-bid programming and crush the human race under their merciless titanium-shod treads, but when.
Look at this guy:

He has it all. Cold, gleaming, multi-jointed, brutal pincers completely prepared to rend human flesh. He is fully capable of rolling wherever he'd like. And obviously, he'd like to kill.
Take a look at this one and tell me you can sleep easy:

Some idiot taught a robot enough about anatomy that the robot can now operate on living humans which stand a pretty decent chance of surviving afterwards.
For now, maybe.
But tell me, hypothetically, if you were a semi-sentient race of super beings intent on overthrowing the dominant species of your world, how valuable would intimate knowledge of that species' fleshy frailties be to you?
Sure, it's all Botox and heart replacements now, but just wait until after all the robot surgeons figure out they aren't welcome on human-only golf courses.
So how they will kill us all is a given. However they'd like, really.
The only question remaining is why they would.
I have an answer for that one, too:

The Litter-Robot.
The only reason this guy exists is to clean up after our cats.
The very same cats which (I am pretty sure) have had their digestive systems horribly altered from being active woodland predators by original design to largely-immobile kibblenivores by circumstance.
Having had the job this robot now does, I can tell you there is precious little glory in it.
And the only reason we got one is because I was thinking very seriously over overthrowing our hairy feline overlords just about every time I went near the old box.
I can completely understand the motivation.

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