Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Manuary Foods

The key to maintaining this kind of testosterone level for an entire month is diet. Man foods are not gentle foods. Man foods are not about nutrition at all, really.
The purpose of man food is to inform the digestive system, in no uncertain terms, who makes the decisions around here.
Fruit salad, however high in anti-oxidants, is totally out of the question.
Tofu would end Manuary harshly and institute a two-year ban on future Manuary participation.
You won't see me eating quiche until February, if ever.
The important food groups are limited to hard liquor and hot wings, which I enjoyed last night.
When one combines necessary hot wings with an irrational panic disorder involving getting "stuff" on one's hands, the event births a cycle of misery unheralded in the storied history of Manuary.
Hot wings are good. Seriously good.
But I pathologically can't do messy foods.
Rather than collapse from starvation, I muscled through some crazy delicious wings last night.
Then I spent half an hour at the kitchen sink, sobbing and soaping and scrubbing and inspecting and scrubbing again.
This morning the newly exposed layers of skin shrieked pain into my raw nerve endings as I glovelessly ventured forth into air which was, according to my car thermometer and, nineteen freaking degrees.
For serious.
Thus, manliness is wrestled from the hyena-like jaws of a panic attack.
My next wings experience, however, will be enjoyed from within the plastic embrace of kitchen gloves.
Just to save time.
Because sometimes Manuary is about efficiency. And sometimes it is about not crying over the sink.
Not all the time, but most of the time.

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