Friday, January 23, 2009

South Carolina Is Ruining Manuary

I made the request over dinner a few nights ago.
We need to see Outlander, together, as a family.
There is no more manly possibility for a film, really.
I mean, it has vikings. It has intense viking battle scenes. And it has a giant alien monster upon which is heaped copious amounts of unfiltered viking rage.
They loved it in Spain during the European release, and Spain is not traditionally really into viking sci-fi epics. Additionally, the Spanish are among the least annoying of the European people.
Finally, it has found some form of distribution here in the USA, possibly thanks to the Obama administration, and it opens tonight.
On, apparently, eleven screens nation-wide.
Unfortunately, none of those screens is in South Carolina. I'd drive us all to Myrtle Beach for this. Or Charleston.
I'd even risk limited contact with those dirty North Carolina chicken thieves and attend a showing in Charlotte.
It is apparently not meant to be.
I'm hoping the DVD release is soon. And I'm hoping that somehow the DVD itself is larger than a standard DVD, since it should be.
A standard DVD (even Blu-Ray) should not be able to contain a movie filled with vikings and space monsters.
People that have heard of this movie have argued about the realism of the plot, thinking that vikings, when confronted with a strange visitor from outer space (James Caviezel) who asks them for help in defeating an alien menace, would react with open hostility born of fear of the unknown.
However, we must remember that the vikings met all kinds of strange people and encountered cultures of many kinds before pillaging them into smoldering ruins along most of the inhabited coastlines of the world.
They would not have feared the unknown. They likely would have lit the unknown on fire and eaten it.
While I haven't seen Outlander, I can only assume that James Caviezel's character is forced to out-pillage the vikings themselves in order to earn their trust.
Then, they fight a space monster.
In summary, Outlander could possibly be the manliest movie ever filmed.
It could far more easily suck.
I would take the chance in honor of Manuary. I've already grown the full beard of a proud thirteen-year-old viking warrior. Or seventeen-year-old viking warrior maiden.

I'll have shaved before it comes out on DVD. Or at least scrubbed really hard so most of the hair comes off.

It just came to my attention that (in addition to not having a theatre that will show Outlander) South Carolina actually has a state senator who is trying to ban profanity.
Please note that if you find the comments on the article inappropriate you can report them.
On the actual article about censorship.
I'd comment myself, but I'm too pretty to risk a 5-year prison sentence.

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