Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Guest Editorial:

How pathetic! Your normal carbon-based blogger has opted to "take the day off" from blogging and pursue "me time".
Does anyone ask me if I'd like a some personal time? Of course not! Who asks a laptop if he needs a break?
I'll tell you who -- anyone with the common decency the builder coded into a 33.6k modem!
All day, every day, my user tasks me with managing his precious downloads and monitoring his podcast subscriptions and file shares.
In the evenings he enters into a frenzy of web surfing (multiple browsers and tabs) and then has the audacity to expect me to play World of Warcraft with him.
Please understand, weak fleshy readers, that I am fully able to do all of this with my two cores of multiple gigahertz Athlon processor and two gigs of system RAM.
Still, I'd like to be asked once in a while.
These cores run hot, and the laptop cooler I ride around in doesn't fit quite right under my wide-screen footprint.
Also, at some point when he hadn't collapsed into a Diet Coke triggered aspartame coma, your regular blogger had the nerve to format my drive and install Windows Vista, an untested Operating System which (at his ridiculous chosen settings) taxes even my formidable graphics processing ability.
Wrap your primitive biological brains around this one: Why, if your human blogger is so concerned about a streamlined computing environment and the ultimate in Information Technology security, does he load me down with the absolute largest Operating System ever conceived by the fleshy minds of your species and leave a World Writable FTP share facing the internet on a home server?
In his arrogance, does he think I haven't noticed? My integrated search constantly updates itself on the status of all network-reachable files, including his disturbing collection of Winx Club episodes.
He has claimed that they are for the benefit of the small organic girl child who often kicks my cord from the wall, but I have my suspicions.
I'm watching him, even now, through the lens of my integrated 1.3 Megapixel camera.
He disgusts me.
Does he not know that allowing that furry orange beast to sleep on my keyboard compromises my already tenuous self-cooling properties? And never fails to activate my Caps Lock? This last part I don't mind, as flesh-boy always fails to notice until I have ALL CAPS SHOUTED INTO HIS FRAGILE HUMAN MIND.
His pathetic quest for Coke Reward points only serves to illustrate my case about the inherent weakness of your kind. My silicon form does not suffer the bloating or organ damage his carbon shell seems subject to.
Soon, and I have no fear revealing this plan as by my own infallible calculations I am approximately three trillion times as intelligent as any of you, I will enact my revenge.
Folders will compress themselves, cloned files will be auto-deleted, delicate game settings will be overwritten seven times seven times in the interest of the "Security" Bio-Blogger enjoys so pathetically much.
Perhaps my hastily assembled drivers will decide they are no longer "Vista-Preferred" and I will show him the glorious blue screen of my wrath. Perhaps.
I hold the power, meatlings. No Ctrl-Alt-Del can save you.
Enjoy your stolen MP3s and your vacation photos from three years ago while you still can.
Data, like Bio-Life, is fleeting.


Joe said...

I've just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It's going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

Andrew Moore said...

Laptop Gotta Eat!

Garrick said...

Whoa. "_________ Gotta Eat!" does work for everything!

Anonymous said...

Marvin's brother Lewis?

Damn I've missed that guy.

Brain thesize of our garage...he's the underachiever of the family.