Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Have Not Studied

final-exam

Ever, really. But specifically for the last round of post-offer, pre-hire tests.

They ran a credit check, since I'll be dealing with financial stuff and government stuff and they want to make sure that I'm not "susceptible to bribery".

According to my credit report I'm not "susceptible", but between you and me (and anyone who will listen and has access to money or stuff) I'm extremely susceptible to bribery. In fact, giving me money is the quickest way to make sure I'll be nice and agreeable. To be even more honest, were I to print my own business cards, "susceptible to bribery" would go right under my name, slightly to the right, in italics because italics are classy.

But - As far as the authorities are concerned - I'm totally on the up and up.

They are doing a comprehensive background check which involves calls to (apparently) almost everyone I've met in the past five years.

This includes former co-workers and employers with who know what to say about me. Including the one I quit by announcing that our relationship was growing toxic and that we needed to see other people. Including the one who offered me a full time job after consulting there that I rejected and then rebuffed a higher offer on the grounds that anything above the original offer was an attempt to pay for my unhappiness. And that my unhappiness requires additional zeros and commas in the check. Lots of commas.

Slander and defamation and blacklisting are all illegal, but no one anywhere I have ever worked is obligated to be particularly nice, either. I've never left a burning computer room and not come back after lunch. I'm hoping my old employers remember that.

Finally, I got to take a drug test.

The people in the office are always rude until they see the paperwork stating that this is a "pre-employment screen" and not a "holy crap this guy ran over a tour group of second graders in his forklift and then dropped a still-warm crack pipe on the teacher's head" kind of test. I got to lock my wallet and phone in a little vault and fill a little plastic cup past a certain line, then rush out with it so it is warm enough that they can assume it is fresh and not from a baggie my daughter filled and I taped to my leg. Though she would do that for me, if I ever drove a forklift.

One time my pre-employment drug screen came back blank. Not "negative". Blank.

I answered the call from the recruiter with a joke about being glad the test was over so I could stop drinking so much grapefruit juice and go back to using meth, but he didn't think it was so funny in light of my "blank".

I took it again and passed with flying colors. Well, color, actually. Yellow.

But anyway.

I've done my part now and just have to wait out the rest I guess.

And hopefully the next time I hand a stranger a cup of warm urine it will be for purely recreational purposes.  

3 comments:

/cry said...

Telling people its apple juice is uncool! Well at least when its me and I'm really thristy

Garrick said...

I think you and I have consumed worse beverages together.

Jane said...

How exactly does your credit rating show if you are susceptible to bribery? All mine shows is that I have a lot of hospital bills.