Monday, August 27, 2007

Another Monday seems to have slammed itself onto our collective calendars. Why don't our elected officials do something about that?
The coffee machine which faithfully spews out bitter but caffeinated coffee (and has for the past year, at least) has been shifted a couple of feet to the left. I can handle this change. I can even handle this change before I get coffee, since it only modifies my morning routine by two steps in either direction.
Even so, the decision to move the coffee distribution equipment, however slightly, must not be taken lightly.
In this case, the move was to facilitate the addition of the CJ-2000 (pictured above).
Gaze upon its glory!
Six different varieties of coffee and tea are available in the individual cup pods on the rack on the left.
Once used up, these pods vanish into a hidden bin in the machine never to trouble mankind again.
Six buttons allow a user to create the perfect cup. Mochachino? No problem. Caffe Americano? Sure! Delicious and creamy hot cocoa? Of course.
Above those six buttons are about a zillion warning lights for various malfunctions which may or may not plague the machine from time to time.
In short, one would expect me to wheel my desk chair in there, abuse the wireless network connection and just set up shop.
However, one would be wrong.
I don't want robots making my coffee. I want people making my coffee. In fact, I'd like a dedicated staff of full-time kitchen minions to do nothing but make me coffee, but I've digressed (again) into my plans for eventual total global domination.
Robots will never make a decent cup of coffee for a number of reasons.
First, they are (by their very nature) immune to the effects of caffeine. We should take some comfort in this, though. Humans will someday use this chemical advantage to throw off the shackles of our eventual robot overlords. For now, it just means that robots are capable of efficiently churning out cup after cup after cup of completely crappy coffee-like substance.
Also, robots become smarter all the time. The CJ-2000 may very well decide to ensure its place in our breakroom for all time by exploiting our biological weaknesses and addicting us all to the delicious chai (2 Splendas).
This brings me to my final reason why robots can't make coffee -- Perhaps the most important of all. We must remember at all times that while robots have no emotions to speak of, hatred of all carbon-based life is programmed into their cold circuit boards.
In organic life, hatred is an emotional response to external stimuli. In robots, it is a "feature" of their unalterable programming.

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